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The Fritz Mueller Page
PREAMBLE: Given this man's legendary accomplishments and status, the task of assembling a home page is indeed monumental. But Rome was not built in one day and so here we go. SOME STATISTICS
THE TESTIMONIALS
BATHROOM JOKE In Fritz's bathroom, there is a framed poster for a 25K race in the Netherlands. The sales pitch was to ask you to come and run this race in the company of "Ron Hill and Fritz Mueller." Fritz said, "I'm sorry but I don't have any other poster with myself in it. That's why I framed this one." But is the bathroom the place to hang it up? (posted on 12/5/98) INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (short version) HM: Fritz, it has been a long time since you competed in
a race. Do you miss racing? (recorded on 9/25/97) All you newbies probably think of the old geezers (Jack Brennan, Fritz Muller, Frank Handelman et alia) as a bunch of washed-out, over-the-hill, bitter, sour, humorless bores. Well, you couldn't be more wrong! The proof is in the following interview. The careful reader will be able to discern the stylistic influence upon other writings on this web site. You did not think that our disrespectful tone arose from a vacuum, did you? We came from a grand tradition! INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (long version) by Jack Brennan (Jan-Apr 1996 Central
Park Track Club Newsletter, It's been a bad couple of years for icons. Many of those figures who loomed larger than life in my early years have passed on recently: Richard Nixon, George Burns, Pinky Lee are all gone. But one towering personality from my youth remains: the man who dominated the early years of the Central Park Track Club, Dr. Karl Friedrich ("Fritz") Mueller. He was known to many as the geriatric scourge of the reservoir; but, to me, he'll always be the Daddy Dearest of the New York running scene. An exceedingly popular figure even with the much younger (and faster) runners like myself, he once told me how pleased he was that during his entire competitive racing career he never had an enemy (actually, he is kind of hard to understand --- he could have said enema). I caught up with Fritz recently at the reservoir (it wasn't hard to do) and decided it was time to set the record straight on the career of this remarkable runner who turns 60 next month. Although he is a man of few words (or at least few words that anyone can understand), he agreed to share his thoughts and feelings about running with the millions of runners who read this newsletter. J.B.: Herr Mueller, you've enjoyed a remarkable degree of success in road racing. In fact, when one takes into account your advanced age, your shoddy training and your limited athletic ability, your achievements appear truly phenomenal. To what do you attribute this success, and what impact has it had on other areas on your life? In other words, how do you feel about running, and how do these feelings about running affect your feelings about life in general and the world we live in? Or, to put it another way, what do you believe in, what do you feel when you run and when you don't run? Or, to be more specific, how do you knew your role in these vast macrocosms we call earth and the Road Runners Club? I guess what I'm getting at is ... F.M.: Was zum Teufel wollen Sie eigentlich wissen? Solchen Fragen zufolge müssen Sie so dumm sein wie Sie aussehen? J.B.: Thank you, Herr Mueller, but not all of our readers speak fluent German, so it would be helpful if you could give your answer in English. F.M.: I'm sorry. As you see, I speak English good and proper. J.B.: Herr Mueller, when did you begin your career as a runner? F.M.: I began running in 1972. At the time I weighed 380 pounds and smoked 12 packs of cigarettes a day. Then one day I was sitting on my couch, watching television, eating a roast pig and drinking a keg of beer, when I witnessed an event that was to change my life. Bill Rodgers' victory in the 1972 Olympic Marathon. It was one of those defining moments in sports, like Roger Bannister's sub-4-minute mile and Dan Glickenhaus' victory in the 1981 Snowflake 4 Miler. I was so moved that I immediately rose to my feet and decided that I, too, would become a great runner. Of course, I didn't have any running clothes then, so I put on my pink terrycloth bathrobe and a pair of hiking boots and went out for a 6-mile run. It was hot that day, so as I ran I carried an umbrella to shield my receding hairline from the unmerciful rays of the sun. I got a lot of funny looks that day --- back then, runners were hardly a common sight. J.B.: Herr Mueller, to what do you attribute your success as a road runner? F.M.: I would say hard work, my faith in the Lord, blood doping and Froggy Juice. J.B.: What is Froggy Juice? F.M.: Well, I am a research chemist, so I have access to various chemicals and substances which most runners can't get their hands on. Whenever work gets boring, some of us would sneak outside with our pet frogs and have contests to see which frog could jump the farthest. Normally, a frog can jump a few feet, but if we gave them Froggy Juice, a concoction which I invented in the laboratory, we found that they could jump over three-story buildings. We don't have these contests anymore, since the frogs all died. But when I drink Froggy Juice before a race, I run a lot faster. J.B.: But don't you think it's unnatural to introduce such chemical substances into your body? F.M.: Don't you think it's unnatural to run 26 miles? J.B.: How do you respond to your critics who say you're a sore loser? F.M.: They don't understand that a good loser is still a loser. J.B.: Well, I remember that after Frank Handelman beat you in the first Corporate Challenge race, you were quoted as calling Frank "an unhinged, amoral sociopath who would trade his soul for a first-place medal." F.M.: I meant that as a compliment. J.B.: I don't mean to change the subject, Herr Mueller, but I can't help notice that you talk funny. Were you born in the some foreign country? F.M.: Yes, I was born in Oklahoma, where I grew up on a farm with my mother, my dad, and my brother Kenny. J.B.: When you mentioned your brother Kenny, do you mean Kenny Mueller, the top masters runner from Massachusetts who was your main rival on the American road racing circuit? (Note: In the mid-1970;s, someone named Ken Mueller held the American Masters marathon record of 2:27:43 before Fritz broke it by 20 to 30 seconds. Later, at the 1978 Boston Marathon, Ken was on his way to reclaiming the AR, or so he thought. Unbeknownst to him, Fritz who would run 2:20:47, was FIVE MINUTES AHEAD). F.M.: Yes, that slithering slob of primordial ooze is my brother. J.B.: It sounds like you and your brother are not on the best of terms. F.M.: I can't talk about it. It causes me unbearable anguish every time that I recall the terrible events that led to our estrangement. It is our family's deepest secret, and I swore to my mother that I would forever remain silent about it. J.B.: I should remind you, Herr Mueller, that you are being paid by the word for this interview. F.M.: It happened when we were boys in Oklahoma. Mom always liked Kenny best. I always had to sleep outside with the pigs while Kenny got to sleep in the barn with the sheep. One night I heard a commotion in the barn and I went in to see what was going on. It was dark and I couldn't see the sheep. Kenny was in the corner with one of the sheep. I couldn't tell what was happening, but when Kenny saw me he jumped up and knocked over a lantern. A terrible fire resulted, which killed five sheep, six pigs, four cows and Dad. It was all Kenny's fault but he blamed it on me. He told Mom that I had invaded his privacy. J.B.: I must tell you that I've met your brother Kenny and I think that he's a wonderful guy. I'm sure that with the passage of all these years, any anger that you once felt towards Kenny has long since vanished, and that you look back with great fondness on those days when you were growing up together in Oklahoma. F.M.: I hate his guts. J.B. Let me move on to the next question. There's always been considerable controversy concerning the relationship between sexual activity and athletic performance. Do you think that runners should abstain from sex before a big race? F.M.: J.B.: F.M.: No. J.B. Thank you, Herr Mueller. F.M.: It's been a pleasure. When do I get paid? THE FOURTH REICH STRIKES BACK by Fritz Mueller (Early Summer 1996 Central Park Track Club Newsletter) Dear Jack Brennan: I was touched by your generous and flattering interview fan letter, which contained as much hot air as a New Orleans hurricane. Thank you. I know you have been working on this interview for 10, maybe 20 years? I liked the Froggy Juice bit. (Jud, despite the new ban on Johnson-Nixon-Carter-Reagan era backslapping tales, please let me put in one last plug for Jack, since Jack is such a humble runner and never talks about himself.) Thou shalt not hid your light in a box (old German proverb). For starters, you are known as the fastest man in Rockports. Then there is this hot air 2:20:50, also nothing to sneeze at. But it is your well-deserved humbleness, your modesty and generosity as a competitor which deserves a place in local history. Like this birthday tribute --- a perfect example, so truly from the heart. Especially if one considers that after that famous 1979(?) 50K, you badgered the INS to initiate deportation proceedings against me. If you can convince me that the case has been dropped, I will, in recognition of your truly unique contributions to the running world, and as the original inventor and practitioner of the "the older I get, the faster I was" approach to life, give you this precious Gold Medal. If I can find it. And as an extra, I include as yet unpublished instructions to another secret for running success --- "How to Double Tie Shoelaces"; although this will come too late for you. Looking forward to your next tale of how you would have won the 30K if, if, if ... Fritz Mueller Anonymous reply: The Beatles at the Star Club, Hamburg, Germany, 1962. At some point, John Lennon yelled at some guy in the audience who was heckling him: "Mister, you may have lost the War, but you can still have a good time!" A SCENE IN THE PARK by HM
One Tuesday evening this past spring, Herr Doktor Fritz Mueller was completing a moderately paced, clockwise, four mile run on the west side when he was joined by two other veteran teammates of the Central Park Track Club. After discussing plans for upcoming races in the summer, the conversation turned on how many other teammates just happened to be in the park that evening; unusual because of the regularly scheduled track workout at City College that evening. They surmised that perhaps it might be possible that the 8 teammates they had seen that evening had all decided to skip the workout that night. In any case, just before arriving at the spot where Fritz usually leaves the park (just below the Delacorte Theatre), they greeted yet another teammate in the opposite direction. After he had run by, Fritz said, "Who was that? There are so many new members in the club. I don't even know who they are." "What do you mean, Fritz, you don't know who they are? They should know who you are! They should know who you are!!!" After hearing this remark, a slight Cheshire smile slowly formed on Fritz's face; perhaps he was remembering those dominant victory-filled years when new and veteran teammates alike of CPTC respectfully (and sometimes fearfully) regarded him as the one teammate "who rode on a different bus." FRITZ IN THE LAND OF THE INCAS At a recent workout, Fritz Mueller showed up to display some new designs on his calves. Well, those terrible scars were definitely not memorabilia from his Heidelberg dueling days. Fritz was birdwatching in Peru and was set upon by a pack of dogs. These shepherd dogs must have thought the guy with the binoculars was the mythical chupacabra about to suck the blood of their goats (or llamas?). The dogs' owner did come to the rescue eventually, but only after Fritz had been bitten rather severely. For Fritz, the measure of recovery is obviously how soon he could get back to running. For the record, it was six weeks. Asked if he'd been scared at the time of the attack, the usually imperturbable Herr Mueller replied, "Well ... (meaningful pause) ... ja." (posted on 5/31/98) PERSONAL REACTION Upon learning that a group of teammates had set up this personal web page for him, he said: "Thanks ... (pause) ... but maybe no thanks!" Upon further consideration, he added, "Well, at least you are just talking about me, unlike the dark forces on the club." Yes, Fritz, they want to drive a stake through your heart. SUPER SECRET RUNNING TIPS The signature of the remarkable successes of Fritz Mueller is his relentless, steady pace. He was never a sprint champion, but he can sustain a constant effort for seemingly indefinite periods of time.
The Legend pins on his race number at the Corporate Challenge Race 1997, as he contemplates some issue of cosmic significance. As befitting the image of the absent-minded professor, Fritz is wearing the company shirt backwards. He was also late for the start even though he lives just 300 yards away. RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT The following story is reported in The Runner's Handbook, written by the Bob Glover with the assistance of one Jack Shepherd.
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