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The Karel Matousek Archive (Many of the ensuing pieces have been shamelessly lifted from the infamous CPTC Newsletters. Most of us toss that piece of garbage known as the CPTC Newsletter away quickly upon receipt, lest innocent parties should come across it and suffer irreparable brain damage. But every now and then, there are a few gems (such as these) with a continuously running thread that deserve to be preserved for posterity.) THE LEGEND BEGINS LETTER TO THE CPTC NEWSLETTER [On May 23, 1995, a broken fax machine in the Atlantic Records offices produced this handwritten letter to Jud ("The Editor") Santos, to the surprise of the repairman that was fixing it. It read ... "Yo, Jud, Put This In The Newsletter, You Little Punk!"] NOTES FROM BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN. Prague, May '95 'Twas truly a joyous moment when I opened a batch of my newly-arrived mail from N.Y., and, inside, beheld a copy of the CPTC Newsletter! Stuck here, in post-Bolshevik Hell --- doing interval training among hordes of fat German tourists and even fatter American girls exclaiming every 5 minutes: "Gee, it's just like Disneyland!" --- which, I guess, qualifies as the site, albeit an indirect one, of Nathan's (tm) Magic PR. (What a rare honor!) I read aloud, my lips quivering with sexual ecstasy, about His (tm) amazing exploits. Still, I'm getting kind of tired of reading over and over about Nathan's (tm) bursting rubber bands, His (tm) Vertically Challenged Stature and His (tm) homoerotic attachment to emaciated African runners. There are other pathetic features about Nathan (tm) you can explore. Get a grip, Rasheed (tm)! I realize, not without some sadness, that I won't be able to insult all of you personally in this brief missive. The loathsome, old fart Harry Nasse and his bleakly unfunny drinking buddy, Marty Stanton, to name just two. But I'll see you soon enough. I SHALL RETURN! But, before I do, GEORGE, I'll let you in on a secret: Bob Dylan SUCKS! Well, that's all for now. Do the loop and stuff, and miss me, or there'll be hell to pay. Dammit! LOVE, KAREL THE ABOVE LETTER GENERATED THESE REACTIONS Sherry Goldman: Karel, VLEZ MI DO PRDELE. Tim Robinson: That letter you published was really funny. Did Karel really write that? Mike and I decided that it was a fake. Nathan (tm): Jud, are you mad at me? Irene Jackson: This used to be family publication. Marty Stanton: (adapted by Jud Santos from the awards speech at the 1995 CPTC Awards Banquet) This award really represents the cesspool of dubious distinction. Its essence is a questionable editorial that was printed by our pluck equivalent of Rupert Murdoch in the newsletter, albeit under the threat of violence ("Yo, Jud, put this in the newsletter, you little punk!") Therefore, a title-less blank base award goes to Karel Matousek (probably wallowing in some Czech prison right now), since (1) we felt like doing as little work as possible on the last award, especially for him, and (2) we figured he's probably pissed enough Prague-ites to have his award defaced or stolen by a disgruntled postal worker. THE LEGEND CONTINUES MORE NOTES FROM BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN FROM THE ONE YOU SKINNY GUYS WANT TO LOOK LIKE (CPTC Newsletter Jan-Apr 1996) Jan. 25, 1996 ... Well, after four months behind the Iron Curtain, my mail finally arrived today, including the past three CPTC newsletters. Let's take it chronologically; the Sept.-Oct. highlights were: WHO, INDEED, IS BRUCE MANDELBAUM AND WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM AT WORKOUTS? Why does this man, whom no one has ever seen at workouts, wish to acu-punch and masseuse me, or whatever? How can this man claim to be able to cure my sexual dysfunction? Many have to tried to cure my sexual dysfunction --- Marlene Dietrich, Marilyn Monroe, Dr. Ruth, Mr. "T" & the A-Team --- to name but a few, but all have failed miserably. Grow up, Bruce Mandelbaum, whoever you are. Another thing I feel compelled to comment upon is the photo-portrait of prepubescent Alan Ruben sitting on a wall. Man! Have you EVER seen anything so scary? I sure haven't --- not since The Exorcist, anyway. I mean --- where your nightmares END ... YOUNG ALAN BEGINS! I showed the picture to my parents and they both curled up in the fetal position on the floor, weeping with terror. Even Marty Stanton looks benign by comparison. Well, almost ... I read with amazement about Anna Coatsworth receiving the "Coach's Tough Competitor Award" for getting consistently lost during races. Don't you feel the "Space Shuttle Award" would be more appropriate? Some of you may not that know that Anna also gets lost on her way to and from races. Rumor even has it she once took a wrong turn and got hopelessly lost while riding a stationary bike. Well, anyhow, that's all. Keep up the good work and attend those indoor workouts. And when you're at Wingate, don't forget to shut the windows afterwards. You know Robin ... P.S. Please give my award to Nathan. Love, MR. CLEAN (aka Karel) THE LEGEND IS EXPOSED LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF THE CPTC NEWSLETTER Dear Editor, I would like you to know that as a female member of the club, I was extremely disturbed by something that appeared in your last issue. No, it was not the photo of the flashing jogger (again). It was your revelation that, when in a state of perfect hydration, Karel Matousek could drink his own urine. Jud, I distinctly remember sharing water with him in a 10K race when I had just joined the team! And Jud, there was no water station in sight! Although I noticed nothing unusual during the race (in fact, I ran a PR), two weeks later I developed some embarrassing but temporary anatomical changes and medically unexplained rashes. Have any other members of the club had a similar experience that you know of? My husband has never felt the same way about me since. Should I let him in on my suspicions? For obvious reasons, I remain, Anonymous THE LEGEND COVERS UP FROM BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN IV ... To the Editor: I must react to the letter in your December issue in which an anonymous "wife" claims to have been offered by me a cup of my urine, disguised as water, during a 10K race. She goes on to say that, although this enabled her to set a PR, she subsequently developed a nasty rash and became estranged from her husband. Well, well, are we getting a little bizarre, or what? "Who is this 'wife'?" I wondered. "Who could be the author of these bleakly unfunny lines?" I asked myself. My first guess was, of course, Roland Soong, but other failed humorists sprang to mind, none of them females. Then again, it must that most --- make that ALL --- women athletes on the roster, mesmerized, as they are, by my Pectoral Perfection, fluid running style and lightning speed, have campaigned long and hard to ingest my DBF's (Delectable Body Fluids). None has, however, even come close to meeting my strict aesthetic standards. "Go get your own steroids, babe," would typically be my stern response to their pathetic entreaties. So, there you have it, dudes. And leave my name out of your smut mail, thank you. One more note to Stacy Creamer. My oft-quoted motto" "Mileage Über Alles", is not, I'm afraid, mine. It was actually coined by Dr. Fritz Mueller in the early 70's while living under an assumed name in Argentina. But that's a whole new story .... Regards From Behind the Iron Curtain, Mr. "PROPER" (Karel, Par Avion) CHARLIE CHAN SOLVES THE MYSTERY FEBRUARY 27th, 1997 TO: KAREL MATOUSEK (c/o State Prison Farm # 18, Ostrava, Czech Republic) FROM: ROLAND SOONG RE: YOUR LETTER FROM THE IRON CURTAIN IV ... I am surprised and shocked that you would suspect that I could be the anonymous female letterwriter who had the misfortune of drinking a cup of your urine. You should know by now that everything I write is done in the open and always meticulously documented with dates, times, places and witnesses. Innuendo is not my style. Capisch? Having said that, I am astonished that you were unable to deduce the identity of the mysterious femme when the answer is obvious. For your edification, I will work out the solution for you: (1) How many married women are on the team? It is easy to build this list from the membership roster published in the recent newsletter:- Wendy Wizniewski, Ellen Wallop, Pat Tuz, Candace Strobach, and so on... (2) Which of the aforementioned married women would even talk to you? I mean, you should take a look in the mirror. Just a few guillible people are left. (3) How many people would be stupid enough to accept anything that you offer? I mean, are you kidding me? There is one, and only one person (and we all know who she is). The intersection of the two lists leads to the inevitable conclusion that the mysterious femme is in fact XXXXXXXXXXXXX ™. (Upon advice of counsel, the name has been blacked out in order to avoid any claims or lawsuits in the nature of defamation or libel arising out of the publication, dissemination, broadcast and any re-publication of what is nevertheless factually true). P.S. This was achieved without even utilizing many other telling clues, such as: (4) Which women has joined the club after you did? Already, you can eliminate lifers such as Betty Marolla, Irene Jackson, Lynn Blackstone, and so on. All you have to do is to check out the NEW MEMBER biographies since you joined the club yourself. (5) Who has set a PR in a 10K race in which you ran? Given your frequent sojourns through the Czech penitentiary system, there can only be a few 10K races that you ran in these years. Also, given your snail-like pace, you could not be handing a cup of fluid to anyone running at a decent pace (of course, you could have been lapped and that is entirely likely even on a one-loop course). Here is what a spot check of race results showed.
I have not attempted to run an exhaustive check. After all, you could have entered the local 10K race at Brno, or Zvolen, or whatever godforsaken place in your post-Communist hellhole. (6) Look at the list of female contributors to that particular issue of the newsletter:- Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Sylvie Kimché, Claudia Malley, Mary Rosado, Terri Sonenclar. One of them wrote that letter. Let's see: one of them is not a member, three of them are married, two of them would never speak to you, ... I mean, the name must be leaping at you by now! But then our squamous Newsletter Editor may have made a secret deal not to include her name on the contributor list. So this item is insufficient evidence by itself. P.S. I hope that this note will reach you, because you must be desperately searching for the answer. I am sending this to your last known address. The Statni Bezpecnost should be able to track you down easily through their vaunted central registry, which is generally acknowledged as the crowning Czech contribution to Eastern European civilization. DEAR ANONYMOUS: It should have been obvious what the magical fluid is:
Before you rush out to the supermarket and buy some more, you should read about the scientific research results. Yours truly, (posted on 3/17/97) |
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