Training for the Ultimate Sport

Training for the Ultimate Sport — Triathlon

In the television local markets, there are four sweep periods (February, May, July and November) in which ratings determine the advertising rates for the year. During these periods, the television stations do everything possible to hype up their ratings. That is why we get news stories like, "Could your daycare worker be a sex offender and/or axe murderer?", "Scientific study shows tap water is dangerous source of herpes", "School cafeteria serves rotten dog meat to kids to cut costs", etc.

On November 1st and 2nd, 1998, WNBC (Channel 4, New York City) attempted to boost their ratings with a special report by Dr. Ian Smith titled 'Training for the Ultimate Sport --- Triathlon.' As much as we find the idea of this story preposterous, we still felt that it was our duty to file a report to our constituency (namely, the runners of the world), since this has bearing on a very important question: Is Scott Willett a real runner?

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Here is our appraisal of the November 1st report.

Photo 1: The story began with Scott commuting from New Jersey to New York University at 530am. He was on his bike, when he could be running instead. Strike one against Scott!
Photo 2: At NYU, Scott was shown swimming. Strike two against Scott! Finally, he was shown running --- on a treadmill! Can you imagine real runners like Fritz Mueller running on a treadmill? Strike three against Scott!
Photo 3: To simulate hot and humid conditions, Scott donned a hooded sweatsuit and worked out on a stationary bike to make sure that he goes nowhere. Strike four against Scott!
Photo 4: Finally, Scott took his team for a run in Central Park. This was a half-marathon run, but the pace seemed to be excruciatingly slow. A draw for Scott!
Photo 5: Scott offered this piece of cheap philosophy: "I do the Ironman because it is a challenge. I face a lot of demons when I race. When I am racing, I have doubts as to whether I can even finish. And every time that I do finish, it's a great feeling." That was innocuous enough, but unfortunately the caption at the bottom of this clip reads, "Scott Willett --- Triathlete." Strike five against Scott!

After the first part, we must say that things are not looking good ... will Scott be able to recover by Part 2 of the story on the next night?

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This is our appraisal of the November 2nd report

Photo 11: So what is dear to Scott's heart? Is it running? Or that other extracurricular stuff? Here, Scott is getting his heart examined by Dr. Erica Jones. We think that he needs to get his head examined. Ross Galitsky made the following observation: "Based on my professional medical experience, I could clearly see the doctor (a woman - it figures) pointing to Scott's actively bean-digesting stomach while dispensing some rubbish about Scott's allegedly enlarged heart."
Photo 12: The gist of this story is the performance of Scott at the Great Floridian Triathlon held on October 24th, 1998. Scott came through in 4th place after the 2.4 mile swim. He described the swim as "It's a wrestling match in the beginning. Last year in Hawaii, I swam for 55 minutes and maybe a minute of that time I wasn't being kicked, thumped and punched." Strike six against Scott!
Photo 13: After the swim came the 112 mile bike ride. What has this got to do with running? Strike seven against Scott!
Photo 14: Finally, after waiting for two consecutive nights, we finally see Scott running. Strike one for Scott!
Photo 15: But wait, how fast was Scott going? So slow that Dr. Ian Smith could jog beside him and pose some questions, "What's your focus now?" Scott said, "Ohhhh, just keep moving. Get the legs going." The voice-over then mentioned casually that "Scott has now dropped to 15th place." Big strike eight against Scott!
Photo 16: Finally, Scott jogged across the finish line and then went immediately into a handstand (said to be his personal signature). Look at that elbow in the picture. It belongs to someone who finished just a couple of seconds ahead. Has Scott heard about a finishing kick, especially given that he seemed to have surplus energy to do handstands? Big strike nine against Scott!
Photo 17: So where do we come out? We think the evidence is overwhelming that Scott is not a real runner. Was not. Is not. Wannabe maybe? Rather, he is just a triathlete, as the epithet at the bottom of this picture says. But it is okay, Scott, because we still love you. Really. Especially after we saw you go to the ATM to get cash to buy our neon orange team jacket at our Post-NYC Marathon party.

Postscript: J.P. Cheuvront's one-word review of this review: "Cruel."

Scott Willett's personal appreciation note for our work: "With runner friends like that, who needs enemas?"

Technical note: Lest you get the impression that the entire program segment was devoted to Scott, we should point out the NYU Triathlon team (especially Ann Snoeyenbos) was also featured prominently. However, the other folks are probably quite glad that we have decided not to dissect them in the same in-depth fashion ...