The Karel Matousek Home Page

WHY A HOME PAGE?

A social entity perpetuates itself from generation to generation by handing down its collection memory in the form of folklores. At the Central Park Track Club, we are blessed by a strong historical tradition as well as a constant influx of new members. This home page allows the newbies to get acquainted with a figure of mythical proportions on this club. This is the first of a series of member profiles (that is, assuming that I don't get lynched first). Other candidates come to mind quickly, such as the purple prose-writer Jud ("The Editor") Santos and that fount of teutonic wisdom and fortitude, Fritz Mueller, to name just a couple (No! Jud and Fritz are not married to each other! You are just being silly!).

WHY KAREL MATOUSEK?

Why not Karel Matousek? We have to start with someone. After all, Karel Matousek is a singular personality that would make you really ponder the mysterious workings of the Creator. Why? Why? Why? Karel is unlike anyone else you are likely to run across, on this club or anywhere else. Unfortunately, you cannot help but like him.

As the poetess of Amherst wrote, "If summer were an axiom, then what sorcery had snow?"

HOW TO IDENTIFY KAREL MATOUSEK

• What does he look like?
  
  (1) Go to the 1996 club photo. He is the 'semi-naked' man in the very front, waving his arm and sitting with his legs apart. A total disgrace, as always.
  
  (2) That club photo is somewhat fuzzy. As an alternative, you can go to your local supermarket and look for a bottle of Mr. Clean (tm) cleansing agent. Procter & Gamble has appropriated his likeness for their brand, without paying him a loyalty (For your convenience, his likeness has been reproduced below) --- this explains why he now chooses to live in that hotbed of Stalinism, the Czech Republic, even today. (If you are in Prague, you would have to ask for a bottle of Mr. Proper, which is the name that he refers to himself as. But if you are in an uptown Latino bodega, the proper name is Maestro Limpia, which perfectly describes his limping, limpid running style).

• What does he sound like?
  Check out the old Saturday Night Live episodes with Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin as the swinging Czech brothers. The womanizing Karel learned his English from watching those episodes sans cesse.

• How can you reach him?
  NO WAY! Given his criminal proclivity, he is probably incarcerated right now and they don't accept visitors or mail delivery at prisons behind the Iron Curtain. However, he does make a point to show up a club workouts whenever he is out for good behavior. Fortunately, that occurs infrequently.

• What does he do for a living?
  Given his criminal bent, this is very difficult to ascertain for any particular moment. From prior conversations, he led me to believe that he was a musician who played Euro-trash music at one time. He has described himself as one of the best professional piano-movers (presumably with the permission of the owners?) that he has ever known (how many in total?). Further clarification and mythologizaton are welcome from other members.
  
• If you have to use one phrase to describe him, what might that be?
  "Neotenic enigma" --- courtesy of Peter Gambaccini

THE KAREL MATOUSEK ARCHIVE (a set of corresondence to and from the rusted iron curtain)

MR PROPER PLAYS SOFTBALL

• Who is the toughest pitcher of them all? Roger Clemens? Randy Johnson? No, it is that man in the Spam (tm) t-shirt --- Karel ("Mr. Proper") Matousek, at the Central Park Track Club Annual Softball Game 1997.

• Here is Karel Matousek ready to toss his express 20mph cream puff to batter Ramon Bermo, who is shaking in fear ... NOT!

• Here is Karel Matousek loading up on his spitball, while the umpire Tio Julio does his blind man ("see no evil") imitation.

• Who is the most intimidating slugger of them all? Mark McGwire? Ken Griffey Jr? No, here is Karel Matousek cranking it up while gingerly avoiding the moon crater near the home place, as catcher Marty Stanton winces uneasily ... NOT!

• Who is the greatest base runner of all time? Rickey Henderson? Lou Brock? No, it is Karel Matousek standing on second base, while New York Flyer Kim Votava worries nervously ... NOT!

• While Karel Matousek performs wonders on the field, his many fans and admirers on the sideline pay enraptured attention to his amazing exploits ... NOT!
  
  (Note: On this particular photo, please check out Rachel Latessa conversing in the foreground. There is an orange mark on her left shoulder. Click here for a closeup. It is a personalized tattoo of the Central Park Track Club logo in orange! Now we know who the most loyal team member is!

(posted on 7/28/97)

Inspired by the exploits of Ed Gonera at the World Veterans' Championships, Karel Matousek revealed his own secret past. Two years ago, he had entered the National Veterans' Championships in the Czech Republic in the sprint events. The major problem was that he had no idea what to do with the starting block --- he had never used one before! In the 200m, he got a slow start and finished fourth in his heat with a time of 26 seconds, although he was gaining on the other guys. In the 100m, he could not overcome his poor start and finished last with a time of 13 seconds. Now all of this cannot be verified, and must therefore be regarded as trash talk.

(posted on 8/20/97)

This animated picture of Karel Matousek was contributed by Jud Santos. As Stacy Creamer said, "Do the words, 'Get a life!' have any meaning for you?"

(posted on 10/11/97)

KAREL ALERT

"I wish to notify everyone of the return of Karel Matousek to New York City. Karel arrives stateside on the evening of Monday, February 23, and will be in town until about March 19. He was planning an Armory appearance the next night but will have to postpone his debut there as the workout was switched to Monday. Another possibility on his agenda: the Brooklyn Half. Fans of the Karel Matousek Home Page should be on the alert ..."

President, Karel Matousek Fan Club Unlimited Inc.

(posted on 2/24/98)

KAREL VISITS HOME FOR FIRST TIME

For the longest time, we have wondered how Karel felt about his home page. Now we have a first-hand report from Stacy Creamer:

I had dinner with Karel on Tuesday night (2/24/98) and then brought him back to my apartment to go online. He had never seen his home page! He was stunned and impressed. He had a lot of comments; at times he was talking directly into the screen as if the web site guy was right there. It was really a treat to watch him see his page for the first time.

(posted on 2/26/98)

On 3/5/98, Karel said this to his homepage's author: "I really want to thank you for doing such a good job on me." (Note: he said "doing such a good job on me", not "doing such a good job for me.")

TIME OFF (FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?)

At the Tuesday workout of 6/16/98, Karel Matousek showed up, unannounced.  He said that he wanted to see if he could surprise Stacy Creamer. Unfortunately, the latter was in the carbo-depletion phase of her preparations for Grand Ma's Marathon and was not around.  Nevertheless, Karel updated us with the latest news of his legendary life in post-Stalinist Eastern Europe.

• He said that he ran the 10K race that was held concurrently with the Prague Marathon a few weeks ago.  We have to admit that our Global Surveillance System (tm) only monitored the marathon itself, and did not even have the 10K race as a search parameter.   At any rate, Karel reported that his time was 39:18, which naturally aroused our jaundiced skepticism.  He did admit that the course was unlikely to have been anything more than 9K, but what did you expect from race organizers in Prague?
• In Karel's book, this 10K race was not as bad as the Prague Marathon that he ran a couple of years ago.  That one was memorable for all the German runners who kept encouraging people by shouting "Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!" in 90 plus degree heat over a hilly course.  There were also no markers anywhere and the race officials refused to provide directions.  When Karel took the wrong turn, the Germans accused him of cheating.  Also, the race organizers offered a choice of liquid refreshment between water and hot tea.  So Karel picked up a cup of hot tea and poured it over his head to cool himself down! For the rest of the way, he said that he was pursued by bees attracted by the syrup on hia head.
• So why was he in town this time?  To escape from all those females fans of his, according to him!  This web site is presently in serious negotiations concerning marketing representation of his recordings here.  Stay tuned!  Now is the time to invest in ear plugs!
• There was a four-year-old boy doing push-ups at the track.  Our superman weightlifter Karel taunted the little kid that the manly technique is the one-armed push-up, which the little boy promptly proceeded to do.  Needless to say, we were appalled at this reckless act of child abuse.

(posted on 6/16/98)

MR. CLEAN

At the July 14th, 1998 track workout, Karel Matousek showed up in a t-shirt with a Mr. Clean icon.  Yes, the resemblance is even closer that we thought before.  We truly regret that we did not have our camera with us.

TALK OF HEAVEN

At the July 14th, 1998 track workout, Karel Matousek finally gave us a copy of his CD recording, Talk of Heaven.   We showed the CD around at the workout and asked for comments:

• Aubin Sullivan: "Who is this?  It looks like Karel.  IT IS KAREL!"
• Ross Galitsky: "I am deeply disappointed.  All this time, I thought it was just a hoax, but it turned out to be true."
• John Kenney: "Hey, am I going to get a copy too?"

The back panel contains the following information:

Track 1: Talk of Heaven (4:52)
Track 2: Tell me (4:15)
Track 3: Protected (4:11)
Track 4: Don't Wanna Leave it (5:22)
Track 5: Between the Lines (4:32)
Track 6: Without Fear (4:31)
Track 7: Give It One More Chance (5:10)

Talk of Heaven are: Jaquy Amar, Brian Bonhomme, Karel Matousek, John Thomas.
All vocals: Karel Matousek
Backing vocals: Jo-Lynn Robinson, Tawatha Byrans, Sharon Monplaisir

All songs written & produced by Talk of Heaven.  Recorded & mixed at Venture Studio and Caliope Studio, New York.  Photo © Lanka Garajova 1997.   Remixed by Milan Vidlak, Frantisek Necas.

Now I am supposed to produce a glowing, fawning review of this recording.   Unfortunately, my knowledge of music is restricted only to classical vocal (opera and lieder) music and salsa/merengue, so I don't feel qualified (as, say, Nathan Klejman) to make any comments.  I will say that the music does not correspond to the man's image!  (Karel asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, we expected you to be playing some type of neo-Nazi heavy metal punk rock.")

For your edification, a one-minute excerpt has been posted as a .wav file (heaven.wav).  If you are running Windows and have a sound system, you can download the file and play it with your MediaPlayer accessory.   Please be aware that the file takes up 650k.  Please be assured that there is no serious distortion even if the music sounds strange --- it is strange ...

(posted on 7/19/98)

Instant feedback from the ubiquitous Anon: "I want to know how it is that Karel got, as one of his CD's background vocalists, a former Olympic fencer who once posed bottomless for Men's Journal?"

Karel responds: "I just forgot the name of the third backup vocalist, so I put down some name that I knew."  Yes, sometimes the truth is not very interesting ... assuming that is the truth.

(posted on 7/21/98)

Stacy Creamer got off work late, and headed into the park going north up East Drive, with full expectations to intercept the group.  She saw absolutely nobody, because the route was reversed.  When she got back to the statue, she found nobody except for ... Karel Matousek!  That guy had gone up to the Armory, saw no one and came back down to the park and found ... Stacy Creamer!

(posted on 2/25/99)

Karel Matousek was staying this time in his boss's high floor apartment overlooking Central Park South.  He picked up a pair of binoculars to follow the Powerbar 20 Miler in the park, and saw Stacy Creamer running.  That was why he knew to come along to say hello (Photo).

(posted on 3/28/99)

John Kenney reports, "I am happy to announce that Gabriel Matousek was born to Leaka and Karel Matousek in the Czech Republic on 1/28/00, weighing 8 pounds."  Oh, the joy of parenthood!

(posted on 2/1/00)