"Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es"
A. Brillat-Savarin, 1755-1826
REVIEWER: Robert Cardarelli
RESTAURANT: Felix's Restaurant and Oyster Bar, 739
Iberville Road, New Orleans
WHEN: December 2000
My friends and I decided to
spend a weekend in New Orleans.
We woke up one beautiful morning
with a strong case of "complete starvation" (a night of extensive
drinking and partying tends to do that). Being out-of-towners, we
wanted to try some of the fine Cajun cuisine that everyone is always
talking about. So, we all decided to head straight out for Bourbon
Street (we were only there a couple of hours ago living up the Mardi
Gras traditions) with the hopes of finding the perfect place to
eat - the most food you can get for the cheapest price. We helplessly
searched and searched and yet found nothing appealing. Everything
was either closed or way too expensive, except for a place called
Felix's Restaurant and Oyster Bar.
Actually,
we previously walked past this restaurant and hoped that we would
never in our lifetime wind up in there. We were running out of alternatives
and we were four hungry, hung-over men!
So
we bravely entered..
Luckily,
we found a table right away (trust me, it wasn't that hard).
Let me also mention that the table was filthy, but it was the cleanest
one we could find. The second we sat at the table, we were presented
the menus and a basket of bread. As starved as we were, we dug into
the breadbasket and realized that we had just made one of the biggest
mistakes of our lives. It couldn't have been bread; it looked
like bread, it smelled like bread, BUT it tasted like rock.
Seriously, I think one of my companions chipped a tooth. Thank God
there were some crackers (pre-wrapped) for us to devour.
A
half hour went by, and so did the waitress. That is, she past our
table about 20 times without even acknowledging us. Finally
we caught her attention!!! "STOP!!! We are not invisible", screamed
one of the guys.
So
she approached us.
Before
we even had the chance to say a single word, she yelled at us, "We
got specials". All right, so what are they. "Y'all going to get
the sampler, its good and the cook's been working on it all morn-in".
We thought to ourselves, "wait a minute, is she ordering
for us"! Since it was already 11:00am and the cook must have been
working on it for 5 hours - it must be decent. Additionally, we
were petrified to instruct the waitress to give us a couple more
minutes, since it may take another half hour and then breakfast
will become lunch.
We
hastily started to make our orders.
"We
would like to start with the garlic bread", said one of us. The
waitress replied, "why y'all want the garlic bread, there is already
bread on the table. I think you should just eat that bread".
I think she was referring to those bread-like chunks of granite
on the table. Then, my friend ordered the lemonade and the waitress
replied, "Are you sure you want that?" My friend asked "What
do you mean?" and received this answer: "Well, I have been working
here for about 10 years and I have never served that before."
NOW
WE ARE STARTING TO GET SCARED.
Afraid
to say anything else to the waitress, I took my chances and ordered
the sampler (let me say, everyone else was wise enough to order
a plain ham and cheese sandwich). I silently thought, "The sampler
is the special of the day and the cook worked on all morning - it
should be served rather quickly". Boy, was I WRONG!!! Not
one, but two hours went by before we were finally served.
Yes,
we finally got the goods!!! After all that waiting!!! Mission accomplished!!!
As
I looked at the plate presented before me, the only words that came
to mind were, "That's disgusting" (RS, 1999). I had no choice
but to eat! So daringly, I dug in for my first bite.
Since I never had Cajun food before, I had no previous warnings
to the spice intensity. My three friends examined my face as it
went from white, to red, finally to blue (use your imagination and
think of the Looney Tunes when fire came out of their mouths).
After letting out a scream, I lost a pound of sweat and tears.
Suddenly, I lost my appetite and lost my hang over.
I'M
CURED!!!
In
case you are wondering about the lemonade, it appeared to be lemon
favored Crystal Light.
Using
the Likert scale,
I award these ratings (with 1 being the worst/least and 5 is the
best/most):
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
|
Location
|
|
|
|
|
X
|
|
Cleanliness
|
X
|
|
|
|
|
|
Health Hazard
|
|
|
|
|
X
|
|
Freshness of food
|
X
|
|
|
|
|
|
Service (including time
& friendliness)
|
X
|
|
|
|
|
|
Price
|
|
|
|
X
|
|
|
Taste
|
|
X
|
|
|
|
|
Spice intensity
|
|
|
|
|
|
X
|
Felix's has a website,
so please feel free to investigate the menu and see a few appetizing
pictures at: http://www.felixs.com/menu.htm
.
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
WHERE: Hotel Loftleidir (Hotel Air Ways), Dinner Buffet
WHERE: Reykjavíkurflugvöllur, IS-101
WHEN: December 28, 2000 (The Icelandic Sportsperson of the Year
Review)
WHAT HE WROTE: Although this was indeed a function, the menu
remains true to each day, thus it may be useful to the traveling
clubsperson. Hotel Loftleidir is owned by IcelandAir and sits
by the old Reykjavik airport close to the city center. The buffet,
which usually costs about $40 per head, is excellent in a rich selection.
Meats and fish cover the table in a wide array of tastes.
Specialities such as Smoked Lamb and Salmon are
not to be missed. Potatoes and the traditional vegetables
were the choices as this country relies on the solid V's.
The desserts were a little on the slim pickings, as Iceland is not
reknowned for its delicate cuisine. Wine and alcoholic beverages
were extra in price, on a usual night and can hitch the price of
the meal up considerably. One starter dish I recommend skipping
is the soured herring that has an aroma of week old dish water ---
in fact the Icelanders typically down a shot of spirits before swallowing
the fish to numb the taste buds.
As a matter of interest Vala Flosadottir,
of the IR Athletics Club, won the award. She is the first
ever Icelandic woman to win an Olympic medal --- the bronze medal
in the pole vault at Sydney 2000. She also owned the indoor
world record at one time.
Vala Flosadottir (Iceland),
Stacy Dragila (USA)
Tatiana Grigorieva (Australia) |
|
Eve Kaplan: "I like Toby's reviews because
he really talks about food." (note: ... meaning, of course,
our other food critics seem to overemphasize certain other aspects
...)
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Westside Cottage II, 689 9th Avenue (Between
47th and 48th), New York, NY
WHEN: January 2, 2001
WHAT HE WROTE: On the day after New Year's Day, some strange
delivery person walked through the office, saying "Happy New
Year" and leaving menus on people's desks. Needless to
say, the office staff was not amused because of the 'Tuesday' morning
blues. I was therefore delegated the task of taking this restaurant
to task. Why me? I don't know, but I am sure that they
must have some reason to be the best qualified (=the nastiest?).
Did I go to the restaurant? No. Why should I?
As I often said, I don't have to go to the restaurant to write a
review. So this is in fact a review of the menu.
- On the front panel of the menu, they cited three
sources of review and quoted from two of them. So the arithmetic
does not add up. In any case, the three sources were respectively
--- Daily News (Friday Extra), November 29, 1991; Daily
News, Sunday, September 14, 1986; The Christian Science
Monitor, Wednesday, November 9, 1983. Since only fossil
records were cited, I must infer that contemporary reviews of
this restaurant are less than glowing.
- In the 1983 review, the quote was "New York
City is overwhelming when it comes to eating out nearly 16,000
places to choose from. The best is Westside Cottage."
The first sentence is grammatically incorrect and would not have
appeared in that publication. The second sentence refers
to a different restaurant since the one listed on the menu has
the 'II' suffix.
- Under dumplings, you can have half a dozen of
dumpings (vegetable, shrimp, chicken, pork; fried or steamed)
for the same price of $3.95. But if you want six of any
two kinds of dumplings, you have to pay $4.25. What was
that extra 30 cents for?
- Here are some translation mistakes that I found
without really looking for them (yes, this reviewer is a Federal
Southern District of New York/Eastern District of New York/District
of New Jersey/District of Pennsylvania court-qualified expert
witness in Chinese language (including the Mandarin, Cantonese
and Shanghainese dialects)):
- Lo Mein is tagged with "Spaghetti" in English
and "egg noodles" in Chinese. With due respect,
spaghetti is not quite egg noodles.
- Beancurd with Mushrroms (sp) (note: that is not
a Chinese pronunciaton in spite of what you may have heard in
those Charlie Chan movies)
- Steamed Fish in Ginger Sauce is "Steamed Whole
Fish in Ginger Sauce" in Chinese, so all non-Chinese-reading
diners may be shortchanged of certain fish body parts
- Fresh Squid dishes in Chinese have the word 'fresh'
carefully excised even though it was printed that 'under no circumstances
does the chef permit the use of any canned, pre-processed or frozen
foods'
- On the subject of canned foods, there is no way in the world
that anyone can get fresh lichees for the Lichees Chicken
at this time of the year. This has to be false advertising.
- The prawn dishes are actually of two types in Chinese --- whole
prawns and chopped prawn balls --- but they are just called prawns
in English
- In one place, it reads Subgum Pan Fried Noodles as if
anyone would know what Subgum means in English, but elsewhere
they did not say Subgum Sliced Chicken but used Sliced
Chicken with Assorted Vegetable (sic) instead. Obviously,
a single vegetable cannot be assorted.
Eve Kaplan said, "How could you pan
my favorite Chinese restaurant chain?" Well, Eve, you
can always tell us what you like about them ...
REVIEWER: Ross
Galitsky
WHEN: December 16, 2000
WHAT: Cream puffs served at the 28th Annual Club Awards Party
WHAT HE SAID: "Those cream puffs are so GOOOOOD!
I can put twenty at a time in a mouth and they'll just go dooooown
..."
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN: December 4, 2000
RESTAURANT: Viva Pancho, 156 West 44th Street, New York City,
NY
WHAT HE WROTE: Oh, yeah, two more new employees joining the
staff and it's time for us to sample (and destroy) yet another dining
establishment this time. Before leaving, we searched for the
restaurant on Google.com, and found only restaurant directories.
Therefore, we can expect this review to appear high on the listing
for future searchers, based upon the importance of this website.
So we march down West 44th Street, all ten of us, like Pershing's
expeditionary force to sow woe and destruction.
By this time in my erstwhile career, I did not expect
to do any more restaurant reviews myself. I think of my job
as simply one to cajole others to do the dirty work. Having
shown them how low the bar can be set, I merely expected the others
to be able to go lower. Unfortunately, I am sad to say that
I was unable to get anyone interested in writing this review because
no one seemed to feel strongly enough. Besides, several of
them already owe me a lot of reviews about certain other establishments
that had grievously offended them.
My review consists of a number of key observations:
- While our party sampled many different items
on the menu (tamales, enchiladas, fajitas,
etc.), no one had anything terribly good to say. So it would
be fair to say that the offering was not particularly challenging
or exciting. The general stupor could not be attributed
to intoxication, as no one had anything stronger than watered-down
coke. (Addendum: Our Argentinian critic says, "Wait
a minute! You didn't ask me for feedback! I ordered
the guacamole and it was disgusting. And I love guacamole."
Another party member said, "Yes, I second that. According
to the menu, my order included guacamole. It was not there
when my food was brought out, and I had to ask the waitress for
it. After tasting it, I understood why she had not brought
it out at first --- she did not want to see me retch!")
- Our junior vegetarian scanned the menu and saw
that everything was either beef or chicken, and so had to ask
the waitress for recommendations on vegetarian fare. She
said, "You can order anything on the menu, and I'll just
tell the kitchen to hold the meat." She was in fact
wrong, on account of the next item.
- Of course, everyone was always interested in
what I would be ordering. I said, "Pancho's Cheeseburger,
of course. You know that I would sacrifice a lot to come
up with a restaurant review. How could I not review something
as obvious as Pancho's Cheeseburger?" As it turned
out, I was deeply disappointed. It was a regular-looking
cheese burger --- charred minced beef on a sesame-seeded toasted
bun. I failed to see what Pancho had to do with this.
And cheese in a bun would not have been much of a meal without
the beef! Oh, not to forget, the most interesting twist
about Pancho's Cheeseburger is that the french fries were substituted
by rice and beans. This is not something that you will see
at McDonald's anytime soon.
- In retrospect, the best part of the whole course
was the nacho chips beforehand (the left hand side of the table
went through two helpings in five minutes), though everybody wished
the sauce had been hotter.
- The boss (that is, the person paying the bill)
had the final say: "There are too many mirrors in this place!
I don't like mirrors in a restaurant. Only vain people like
to have mirrors so as to admire themselves." So that
was yet another twist of the knife.
Who is Pancho? This is probably a reference
to Pancho Villa. This particular restaurant is probably
not a good place to learn about that Pancho. I would recommend
The
Life and Times of Pancho Villa by Friedrich Katz,
a 985-page tome that is sure to impress anyone that you want to
pick up at Starbucks.
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
WHEN: November 22, 2000
RESTAURANT: Coogan's
Restaurant, 4015 Broadway (169th Street), New York City,
NY
WHAT HE WROTE: Je suis mais un bagel simple mon bon monsieur.
Cependant la pensée de I à manger, ou à ne pas manger, était d'être.
Well, with all that said and done, there may be other substances
as there are venues. With the coming of winter, and the blowing
of the north wind, I discovered myself in Coogan's Bar on Broadway.
It is most conveniently situated behind the Armory.
Entering the establishment one quickly gets the
picture (hic - I was going to say insider ...) of what this eatery
is about. We were quickly seated and attended to by a nice attractive
waitress (well these things help with the review). The menu seemed
a touch bland though typical for a sports bar-plus-diner and the
prices looked very reasonable. I had the Santa Fe burger and
the Captain Jack's burger (well, I was reviewing).
The quality of the meat was good, the cheese was
ok and the trimmings just fine. The dessert was something with ice
cream and fudge brownies coated in cream and chocolate sauce, a
smudge on the small size. Not forgetting the drinks, we drank
the house beer which although a tad flat, was pleasant but not a
stellar Artois. The value for money was good, the only wince was
that kareoke night is on Tuesdays. Whilst we were treated
to some excellent vocals, I did notice my cream turning into guacamole
as a few locals took to the stage.
My inquiries led me to find out that the Central
Park Track Club does not have a routine of visiting this bar for
post-training chomping and natter. More's the pity, but apparently
Warren Street are regulars and report that the host is often more
than generous in bringing over a free pitcher or two... I am liking
this place more and more! If one becomes bored with the table company,
the back room is adorned with pictures from the 5-km
race the bar sponsors in the spring. Tobyrating 7.5/10,
and (before I shut up) that score will go up if any of those pitchers
come my way.
COMMENT #1: Here is a hint ---
if you mentioned to the owner that you were sent by Ellen Wallop
(one of the legendary Central Park Track Club multi-sports endurance
athletes), you would have gotten a couple more free pitchers ...
COMMENT #2: Du får ingen bagel när
du är så dum.
HISTORICAL NOTE: Toby is evidently
not completely and totally familiar with the Central Park Track
Club legends. As our loyal readers such as Audrey Kingsley
and Eve Kaplan would have been able to tell you immediately,
there is a reason why some of us cannot go to Coogan's (see Famous
Saying #754). By the way, you will find it truly frightening
if you learn that when we typed in "Coogan's Restaurant"
and "New York City" into the Google search engine, that
particular famous saying appeared as the fifth highest ranked result.
Just give it a month for Google to index us and this particular
review will show up too. Yes, we promised you that we would
be a superpower ...
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN: November 14, 2000
RESTAURANT: Mom's Bagels, 15 West 45th Street, New
York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE: "On this rainy day, the group set out
ostensibly to the Alpine Deli. Once we got near the place,
we collectively lacked the courage to enter. There were several
reasons --- someone's stomach simply revolted at the thought, someone
else was terrified of that crazy-looking guy behind the sandwich
counter, etc. In any case, we swung across the street to
Mom's Bagels instead. This reviewer had a piece of chocolate
cake and a can of coke, so there was nothing to write home about,
one way or the other. However, we observed that two of the
members of the party ordered the tuna melt on bagel. When
they each chewed into their food, they both yelled. One said,
'It must be 400 degrees hot!' So watch out if you ever come
down here and order the tuna melt! This has been a public
service announcement from your favorite website."
|
REVIEWER: Marc van Lohuizen
ESTABLISHMENT: Bouchon Bistro & Wine Bar, 41 Greenwich
Avenue (between Charles Street and Perry Street), New York
City
WHEN: October 31, 2000 (Halloween)
WHAT HE WROTE:
"On the day of the year when tricks and treats are
exchanged, nightmares can come true, and things are not as
they appear, I was tricked by my party into an odd
overpriced French bistro. We sat in the back section
(which may or may not have been a gazebo, although we couldn't
be sure) at a table with a tacky plastic umbrella overhead.
Due to the arrangement of the tables, which were deadbolted
to the floor, I was unable to move or breathe in the small
space that the table cramped against the wall allowed me.
Latin music was playing the entire time we were there
(this was a French restaurant, if you recall), and there was
a lone medium- sized disco ball in the center of the room,
nearly concealed by a score of other tacky umbrellas that
covered all the tables in the back, almost as if to obscure
or hide this embarrassment from the past (DISCO IS DEAD).
After waiting for
what must have been nearly half an hour for our Halloween
treats, a poorly clad waiter shambled his way towards our
table. If the old adage is true, and the quality of
a thing is directly proportional to the time required to produce
it, our dinner must have been truly magnificent indeed.
I can only think to blame my own lack of taste for not perceiving
it in this manner, as doubtless any connoisseur of fine French
cuisine would have (although such people seemed paradoxically
absent from the establishment).
The only things that were on the menu were meat dishes (I
was REALLY fortunate to be the vegetarian of the group), but
from what I gathered from the looks of displeasure on my companions'
faces, these dishes were poorly prepared. I was able
to find one appetizer that did not contain meat, which was
essentially a platter (named very inventively "The Cheese
Platter") of a very few types of cheese, all of which
tasted like they had been aged... and all too well, if you
know what I mean. The bistro is generous enough to provide
slices of bread with this cheese, but as I was not in the
mood for what can only have been a selectively French delicacy
(mold cultured on store-bought Wonder bread), I went with
the standard loaves served to all patrons while they wait
(far too long) for their meals, which were surprisingly fresh
and pleasant to the palate. I will have to ask them
where they have their bread baked, as I ascertain that it
is not baked on site from my other impressions of the establishment.
Needless to say,
the only reason why we ever entered this place was to escape
the frenzied crowds of cross-dressing vampires and other creatures
(or such...) of the night gathered outside for the parade.
Dining at the Bouchon bistro seemed like a far more tolerable
fate ... further proof that things are not what they appear
to be on the 31st of October. The only thing that comes
to mind as being scarier than the quality of our dining experience
was the sight of a large fur-covered (yes, it was authentic)
gentleman attempting to portray some Baywatch heroine or lingerie
model. I have attached a photo because I am sure that
you cannot visualize this. I heartily recommend this
restaurant, both for its special brand of ambiance and for
the area in which it is situated, to anyone seeking a frightful
time on Halloween."
|
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN: October 24, 2000
RESTAURANT: Au Bon
Pain, West 44th Street between Fifth Avenue and Madison
Avenue, New York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE: "Once again, for lack of imagination,
the crew headed off to the Good Pain. The francophiles on
our club may object to this very loose translation (just remember,
La traduction est comme une femme --- lorsqu'elle est belle,
elle n'est pas fidèle; lorsqu'elle est fidèle, elle n'est pas belle),
but the fact was that our party consisted of two senior French speakers
who knew exactly what it means and one junior non-French speaker
who needed to know the truth. This is not a review about the
food (what do you expect me to say about one cup of Forest Mushroom
soup and a bread roll?). Rather, we want to inform you about
certain practices at the restaurant. Our junior member proceeded
to pick up two sugar-coated donuts and placed them in a big pizza
box. At the check out, he was asked, 'What's in there?'
'Two donuts.' And the cashier proceeded to ring up without
inspection. Lesson #1, you can stuff twenty donuts in there
next time and they would accept your parole de gentilhomme.
Next, our junior member pulled out a one hundred dollar bill, which
caused a long delay as the store manager inspected the bill in many
different ways until one of our senior members volunteered to pay
with a five dollar bill. Lesson #2, this restaurant will not
accept legal bills of large denomination. However, it makes
for a good diversion tactic away from what you have squirreled away
in that large pizza box ... This has been a public service announcement
from your favorite website."
From Toby Tanser: "I would like to add
that Au Bon Pain, despite its rather tacky decor and awful
service, does indeed have very nice apple-cinnamon bagels called
Dutch something ... they are literally painted with sugar and promote
the well-known phrase, 'One is not enough.'"
From Marc van Lohuizen: "Oh, you people
at Central Park Track Club don't know me but I am the junior member
mentioned in the above. I don't know why, but on November
6th, 2000, I went back to Au Bon Pain for more torture.
This time, I ordered a custom sandwich and they held me up for 10
minutes because they didn't know how to price it. Therefore,
lesson #3 is --- don't order a custom sandwich. P.S.
As a funny aside, someone wanted to know what the shitake
in the forest mushroom soup is and got the obvious abbreviated answer!"
REVIEWER: Marc van Lohuizen
RESTAURANT: Burger King, 273 Canal Street (corner of Cortlandt Avenue),
Chinatown, New York, NY
WHEN: October 20, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: In celebration of my last birthday, a
close friend decided to take me out to an allegedly exclusive club
around the area of the site of what would soon become one of my
gravest regrets. Lady Luck had other plans for my companion
and I, however, as the club had not yet opened to the public for
the evening. So we decided to grab something to eat somewhere
to wait until opening time...
Burger
King.
How
I found myself in this Godforsaken place I may never truly understand.
As we entered the establishment, we immediately noted that only
one out of what must have been over twenty five tables was taken,
which seemed at the time to be a good sign that we would have the
seat of our choice to have our snack and relax a while. We
could not have been more wrong.
As
we approached the counter to order our meals, a large sign to my
left with the ominous words "No loitering. Customers
allowed only 20 minutes to eat" caught my eye. After
my friend had finished making his order, it was my turn to purchase
something very far short of anything remotely resembling "food",
"folks", or "fun". I asked for a milk
shake, which, obscenity of obscenities, was denied to me, as their
milk shake machine was allegedly out of order (my own dark suspicion
to this day is that laziness or an ignorance about how to turn the
machine on was what truly prevented my union with the desired milk
shake). So I decided to get myself an order of "Jalepeño
Poppers" and a Sprite.
Without
being asked whether we would be having our meals "to go"
or "to stay", we were given small heavily grease-stained
paper bags containing Burger King's fine brand of delicacies. This
was doubtless a portend of things to come. We sat down to
empty our bags onto poorly cleaned tables that only added to the
grease on our bags. The jalepeño poppers, when I finally mustered
up enough courage to sample one of them (this was 25% of my purchase...
99 cents for 4 poppers is a heretofore unheard of outrage), seemed
as though they had been deep-fried while in their cardboard container;
the box was covered in more cooking oils than the poppers themselves,
which were distressingly undercooked. I decided to grin
and bear it and continue to partake in the culinary travesty that
had been set before me, if only out of common courtesy to the establishment
within which I wished to pass the time.
Eighteen
minutes after we had received our meals and sat down to comfortably
attempt to enjoy what we had paid for, we were approached by a representative
of the establishment calling for our expulsion, in supposed keeping
with the '20 minute rule' imposed by the sign I'd noticed earlier.
Although we made friendly mention of the fact that we technically
had two minutes more to spend before we could be legally removed
from the premises, the representative self-importantly refused to
take 'No' for an answer, and so my companion and I both agreed that
a brawl fought over our right to two additional minutes in a Burger
King would perhaps not actually be worth it. We collected
our belongings and went on our way, both now fully aware of the
folly in our choice of fast food. Afterwards, we resolved
never to enter the unclean doors of a Burger King again. Frankly,
I suggest you do the same. This has been a public service
announcement from your favorite website.
WHAT Silvina Baldermann SAID: "¡QUE
BARBARIDAD!"
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN: October 11-13, 2000
During the stated period, I was on a business trip
to London. The following is a report of my observations, which
you will undoubtedly recognize as being very similar in style and
tone to the usual coverage of our club activities. In other
words, London may never recover from this ...
Ealing Common
|
I did not stay in
the city center of London. Rather, I stayed in a hotel
near the office that I was visiting because I needed to be there
every day. The place is called Ealing. Somebody
there offered this comparison, "Ealing is like Queens to
someone from New York." Queens? I wouldn't
know, because I haven't been there either in spite of my twenty
year residence in New York City. Right across my hotel
is Ealing Common, a vast expanse of green lawn. Now this
is something that is unlikely to be seen over here in New York
City, because some money-grubber would have built a big shopping
mall surrounded by a massive parking lot a long time ago.
By the way, in case you couldn't tell from
this photo, it was drizzling at the time. In fact, it
was drizzling all the time ...
|
My sweet home for 3 nights
Warning notice on bathroom wall
The choice of hot drinks
|
My hotel is the
Jarvis International, the only one in this area.
Prior to going there, many people have given me survival tips
and condolences. I knew that those were probably not idle
threats, when even the taxi dispatcher at Heathrow gave me a
knowing smirk after I told him the name of my destination.
According to the hotel brochure, "Set
in a prime position on a major gateway site yet overlooking
the green expanses of Ealing Common, the hotel is just 5 miles
from the center of London. It is a first class venue
for the business, conference and leisure guest which has benefited
from a £4.2 million investment. There are 150 newly
refurbished bedrooms and 39 new Jarvis studios. All
have ensuite facilities, trouser press, remote control satellite
television, hairdryer, direct dial telephone and a choice
of hot drinks."
First of all, no amount of refurbishment is
ever going to make a small studio get any larger. Whilst
it is true that this was at least a double bed and not a single
bed, the writing desk is so small that it can barely accommodate
a laptop computer.
If the living quarters were small, the bathroom
is even smaller. There is not even enough room for me
to attempt to take a photo. But I managed to take a
photo of the ominous warning message on the bathroom wall
(see photo on the left). I think that they are being
overcautious, because there really isn't enough room to slip
...
As for the remote control satellite television,
there were theoretically twenty-four channels but one was
a service channel, six of them were radio sound-only channels
and four of them were pay-per-view movies (my received advice
was: "Do not order any PPV movies, because you won't
receive what you ordered --- you'll only get the soft-core
porn.") What remained were the regular broadcast
channels and the Sky channels (read: Fox in the USA).
Of the television programs, I remembered watching a lot of
soccer programs from all over the world (they were desperate
enough to show the New York Metrostars versus the Chicago
Fire) and a lot of soccer commentary (this was the traumatic
week after England lost to arch-rival Germany 1-0 in the final
game played in Wembley Stadium, the trainer of the national
team Kevin Keegan resigned, and England barely escaped with
a 0-0 draw against lowly Finland in the World Cup qualifying
round, etc).
The picture on the left shows what that 'choice
of hot drinks' consisted of --- an electric kettle, two tea
cups, two tea spoons, one sauce plate, one plastic-wrapped
cookie, four small plastic containers of milk-like substance
and a selection of tea bags or instant coffee. This
was what £4.2 million bought?
What type of clientele uses this facility?
I will relate one interesting snippet that I overheard (by
accident, of course) between two male guests: "In our
company, unless you are an engineer, you are just overhead."
I'll have to remember to use that phrase sometime.
|
Close-up of the bed cover |
The bed cover were
checkers of blue and yellow colors, with fuzzy white specks
introduced into the blue. Now, this must have been the
result of careful human engineering, because it would be difficult
to tell whether a white spot (see the middle of the photo on
the left) is part of the original design or "you-know-what."
I did not conduct test for human genetic materials in this case
because I really didn't want to know.
In this same photo, I have included portions
of a map drawn by a previous guest from New York. Underneath
"Jarvis," he had written "Eat" first and
then crossed it out emphatically. To the right, the
letters "McD" denote the obviously dismal, but evidently
not as evil, alternative. With a recommendation like
this, how can I turn down my chance for a memorable food review
for the website? So on the second night, after an all-day
business meeting that left me too exhausted to want to go
out into the rain, I tried the Art Café in the hotel.
|
My informant had stayed in this hotel for three
weeks in a row, and therefore had sampled everything on the menu.
He offered some helpful hints --- "Do not try the lamb chop,
because it is just two tiny blobs of red meat. Do not try
the pork chop because it is undercooked." So I read through
the menu, first filtering out anything that he had warned me about
and choosing the minimum risk item from what remains. I ordered
the steak with instructions for 'medium rare' and it came back as
a piece of shoe leather! The side dish was potato dauphinoise,
and it was difficult to see how they actually managed to make the
potato so greasy. But whereas my informant said, "Do
not eat at the hotel if you don't want to get sick!", I did
not suffer any ill effects.
On the next day, I had a very British meal in a
modernized pub --- fish and chips, with Irish Stout. The only
regret was that I missed the liberal --- sorry, I mean extravagant
--- sprinkling of salt that one always got at a real fish-and-chips
shop.
On the final day before I left, I had lunch in a
Chinese restaurant in London's Chinatown. Without any guidance,
I just chose a restaurant named "Harbor City" because
its Chinese name is a well-known brand name for Peking-style restaurants
in Beijing, Hong Kong and New York City (where it is incarnated
as the well-regarded Joe's Shanghai Restaurant on West 56th
Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues). Alas, the London
version does not match up to its namesakes. The soup was Shark
Fin Soup with Chicken; it tasted slightly of ginseng, which
is to their credit because this proved that the soup definitely
did not come straight out of a can. The entrée was Mixed Seafood
with Salt and Chili, which was totally bungled. The result
was a rather bland dish without the sharp, pungent flavor of the
spices. I give a higher score to the fish and chips the day
before. The beer was the Chinese brand Tsing Dao, which is
thoroughly German lager given another brand identity (because
the Germans brought their beer manufacturing technology to the city
of Tsing Dao in the early twentieth century when the place was a
German protectorate).
I also feel that it is no longer necessary to discuss
airline food, and I am sure that you know what I mean ... (burf!)
...
Wake up time!
|
The faithful reader
of this website must have followed the many failed alarm clock
jokes. While our website photographer can use this as
an excuse for not covering the races, I don't think I can use
that as an excuse for missing a business meeting. In this
case, I was reluctant to bring four alarm clocks (à la
Rob Zand) across the Atlantic with me . Well, there
was absolutely no need to fear. Every morning, around
7am, a garbage truck showed up to unload the dumpster located
right underneath my window. I even had time to take a
photo (see photo on left).
Could I have gone back to sleep again?
Not if I can hear it loud and clear every time that someone
flushes somewhere in the building ...
|
Of course, London is more than just Ealing.
But this is the section reserved for the Central Park Track Club
food critics, and so we'll have to leave the other stories for another
time and place. But there is a photo
that should interest Yves-Marc Courtines.
From Eve Kaplan: "What are you talking
about!? I once spent a whole week in Ealing and you were there
for only three days."
From Colin Frew: "Next time you are in London, give
me a call. I live in Chisiwck, which is only about 10 mins by car
from the Jarvis. It sounds like you needed rescuing, or perhaps
feeding." Who's the one who needs rescuing ...?
REVIEWER: Risa Becker
RESTAURANT: Sportsman's
Steakhouse and Lounge (just northwest of Ponca, Nebraska)
WHEN: September, 2000
WHAT SHE WROTE: I couldn't wait to visit northeast Nebraska, because
as an urban East Coaster, America's heartland always seemed exotic
to me. On my first
day, I drove for hours past farms and cornfields and I avoided heavy
food in anticipation of a fantastic steak dinner.
I was in Nebraska on business and a co-worker had recommended
Sportsman's Steakhouse and Lounge, so I looked forward to the meal.
My companion and I arrived at
the steakhouse and our waitress took our drink order and directed
us to the buffet. We found no steak. instead, only fried fish sticks and roast
chicken. Figuring the
buffet was an appetizer, we asked to see a menu.
Our waitress obliged, but cautioned that we couldn't order
from it, because it was Friday and Friday was buffet day. Sportsman's
caters to the local Catholic population who avoid meat on Fridays,
so we steak-cravers were out of luck.
Given that the nearest restaurant was 20 miles away, we swallowed
our disappointment and dug into the fishsticks.
The best part about Sportsman's (adding to the pleasure
of anticipation) was finding it.
This was no simple task.
It is located at the end of an unpaved, unmarked road, designated
by the sign "turn left for historical monument." (FYI, the Wiseman
family was massacred here by Sioux Indians during the pioneer days.)
It took some doing, but
I did find it. The restaurant
sits on the banks of the Missouri River, a stone's throw from
South Dakota. It's a lovely spot... I'd
go back, but maybe on a Monday.
Finger Lickin' Good |
RESTAURANT: Tar
Box Hollow Buffalo Ranch, Dixon, Nebraska
WHEN: September, 2000
REVIEW: I had better luck the next
day at Tar Box Buffalo Ranch.
There, we were treated to an informative tour and covered
wagon ride. We
viewed sunflowers, ten types of grasses, buffalo jerky, buffalo
soap, and, finally, the monstrous buffaloes themselves.
We were permitted to feed the buffaloes, but not to touch
them or leave the wagon, because, as our guide explained, they're
not domesticated and "they'll kill you."
The buffaloes were happy
to see the wagon and scooped up the food pellets from our
fingers with their 8-inch long, gray tongues.
It was kind of gross, because they were salivating
a lot, but I felt like we were in touch with wild animals
and that was a thrill.
Later we avenged the "finger-licking"
by enjoying a buffalo steak sandwich on a hamburger roll with
potato chips and a pop (i.e. Coke). Great
day, simple meal, and it definitely beat Sportsman's Lounge.
|
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: ESPN Zone, Times Square (42nd Street and
Broadway), New York City
WHEN: September 25th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "Another corporate shindig sent me into
yet another unlikely location. Please note that they will
not take telephone reservations, so you have to show up in person
to see where you stand. When I walked in, I immediately saw
that this ESPN-branded place had television sets all over the place
tuned to different sports programs (the NBC Olympics, the MSNBC
Olympics coverage, Monday Night Football on ABC, the baseball game
on ESPN, the lumberjack championships on ESPN2, and definitely no
Fox Sports programs anywhere). When we told the receptionist
that we were a party of eight, he read us our rights, 'We have no
large tables left for you. Your party will be seated on separate
tables. This means that you may be sitting next to strangers,
and strangers may be sitting next to you. Is that understood?'
Meekly, we accepted our fate and trotted upstairs to our tables.
We found that we had two tables of four, next to each other.
We promptly picked up the tables and chairs and formed a large table.
Duh! (please add appropriate tone of sarcasm)
This particular night was a truly poor choice, as
it was ABC's Monday Night Football game. The two featured
teams were the Indianapolis Colts and the Jacksonville Jaguars,
which meant that all their loyal citizens now exiled into our city
congregated in this public place to root for their home teams.
Meanwhile, I was really anxious to check out the Olympic track &
field results (the finals for the women's 800m, the women's 5,000m
and the men's 10,000m) but the only set showing that was about 50
feet away from the table. So all I saw was blurred images
of the last laps of those three races.
As for the food, the receptionist had also read
us the law of the land, "You are hereby given an admission
ticket, which entitles you to a seat subject to a minimum charge
of $30 per person." This means that there is no point
in getting macaroni and cheese, because you would be paying $30
anyway. The entrees are mostly meat (New York strip steak,
filet mignon, baby beef ribs, pork chops, etc), with this
note, 'supplemented with vegetables of the day designated by the
chef.' In other words, you have to eat whatever vegetables
they pass off to you. On this particular night, the entree
came with whole baked potatoes and string beans where were incredibly
over-salted and unpalatable. As for the entrees, the portions
are somewhat unpredictable. The filet mignon and pork
chop came in humanly manageable portions, but the baby spare ribs
that the female member of the party ordered were as big as an accordion.
You need to careful what beer to order. The
safe bet is to ask for a bottle of your favorite brand. The
female member of our party asked for draft Sam Adams and was presented
with a mug so huge that if she put her elbow in it, her armpit would
be drowned.
In line with the theme of television everywhere,
the bathroom is also equipped with television sets. Above
the men's urinals, there are small six-inch television screens at
the eye level of someone who is 5'8" tall. So you could
miss something important in the game if you are either too tall
or too short. Also, there are no buttons to switch channels
on those screens, so a baseball fan may be stuck with the football
score.
As I sat looking out the window, I think I have
scouted an even more unlikely location for the next corporate shindig
--- the World Wrestling Federation Theme Restaurant right across
the street! I can't wait until I can sink my fangs into them!"
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
RESTAURANT: A certain restaurant on Doyer Street, Chinatown,
New York City
WHEN: September 14th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "The problem with good food is the memory of
the matter supersedes all else. Sitting in a restaurant of
Malaysian, Singapore & Indonesian delicacies I was determined
to remember all for the Central Park Track Club food review. Unfortunately,
the name of the restaurant, the dishes and all else has been forgotten.
Luckily I do remember Doyer Street in Chinatown ... I hope the street
is not too long. Also you had to go downstairs through a shop
front to get to the eatery.
We ate for 3 hrs non-stop. Dish after dish
arrived at our table, mostly in the protein basket of delicious
food. There was one particular beef dish that was sublime ... the
name of it? Dessert was a dehydrated runner's dream - ice frozen
on-top of a syrup, black rice porridge and some multi-colored things
that tasted great. Reasonably priced, good portions and a
great staff who don't get in your face or food.
I cannot say enough good things about this restaurant
- I would recommend anyone who likes authentic tasty food, and is
passing through Chinatown hungry, to check out this place for a
feast. Rated: 8/10 (only Pick-A-Bagel has scored higher).
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Two Sisters, Hyatt Regency Coral, Coral Gables,
Miami, Florida
WHEN: September 11th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "This was a day trip for a business meeting
that did not end until 10pm. After walking out of the smoke-filled
office, I looked around for a place to have dinner. I scanned
around --- a Taco Bell right across the street, a Cuban deli (Sergio's)
to its left, a McDonald's further down; on this side of the street,
there was a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Oh, I must not forget
to mention my business associate's favorite lunch place --- he told
me, 'I get lunch every day from the Exxon service station right
next to the office building. I always get two chili dogs from
there.' All of a sudden, I was not so hungry after all.
I went back to the hotel to change
and then proceeded to the only restaurant inside the hotel.
At this hour, I really did not feel like going out again.
Since this is a Hyatt Regency, they will not permit fast food franchises
on their facilities. This restaurant, called Two Sisters,
was deserted at this hour. I ordered the blackened seabass
with béarnaise sauce. It was awesome! The fish
virtually melt in my mouth. The vegetables (carrot and broccoli)
looked great --- unfortunately, they looked too good to be true.
Visually, they really reminded me of the green grass and orange
team uniform colors in those photos on our club website when our
graphics designer goes overboard with the 'saturated' option in
Adobe PhotoShop (see sample photo of John
Scherrer and Jonathan Pillow)!"
P.S. In answer to your burning
question, I did not see the two sisters. From what I can see,
the entire restaurant staff was male.
REVIEWER: Eve Kaplan
RESTAURANT: Tally Ho (Rue Chartres (French Quarter, duh),
New Orleans, LA)
WHAT SHE WROTE: "Let's start off by saying that anyone
who is dumb enough to try running a 10-miler at 9am in New Orleans
in late August deserves a pretty amazing breakfast to follow up!
Tally Ho is a little tin diner in the French Quarter.
Surrounded by restaurants touting the usual etouffe and jambalaya,
it's easy to miss this fantastic place with its swivel-stool chrome
counter and unlimited coffee refills. Breakfast here is the
usual diner fare, with a few local specialties thrown in for good
measure (I guess they don't want to drive away too much of the tourist
business) such as eggs with alligator sausage or crawfish and beans.
I ordered the infamous pancakes. ($3.99/1; $4.99/2;
and $5.99/3... to be discussed shortly!) The menu says these are
the biggest and best pancakes in the world, and "We bet you
can't!" is written next to the price for ordering three. You
can get them with or without banana slices. I ordered 2 with bananas:
one for me, and one for my companion, who was also ordering a country
omelet and toast ($4.99, omelet with hash, sausage, cheese, veggies.)
When the pancakes arrived, I nearly died... we're
talking TOBY-TANSER STYLE CARBO LOADING ... Pancakes the size of
a New York manhole cover. (Actually, Toby could probably eat all
three and then some.) Needless to say, they were indeed the
best pancakes I have ever had. I downed one, and left the
other to my companion who polished it off in about the time it takes
him to run a mile in Central Park. (Polo Sport RLX should consider
sponsoring pancake-eating contests as cross-training for their athletes.)
After eating, we headed up the street 2 blocks for
another 'must'... the New Orleans Pharmacy Museum, at the site of
the first pharmacy in the country. This homey and weird little
museum houses such oddities as old medicines, live leeches, and
some of the most horrific ancient surgery tools you'd ever want
to see. It's the best $2.00 museum I have ever visited - but
you might want to wait until *after* you eat. Some of the
descriptions and pictures of things like the first treatments for
cholera (which resulted in your facial skin rotting off) and headache
treatments (drilling a small hole in your head to release 'pressure')
are almost as stomach-turning as trying to run in 105-degree heat
at 9am in New Orleans."
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser, the Flying
Trapeze Artist
WHERE: Pick-a-Bagel, 2nd Avenue and 77th Street, New York,
NY
|
When I first came to New York way
back in 1996, I stayed on the Upper East Side. Believe
it or not, I had never eaten a bagel before in my life. I was
undernourished and in need of eating like a pig, that is why
I was in new York - to rectify the eating disorder. I
had been for the last half year in Kenya where bland is a description
of my diet. Very wholesome nutritious food, though I was in
need of a sugar dive, a fat splash and... a stomach pump. So
anyway ,each day I would go to Jackson Hole for a burger for
breakfast, cruise the avenues stopping at each and every eatery
and gaining more kilos than a Sumo wrestler. Once a week, I'd
jog the reservoir to fool myself that I was keeping in shape.
Well the strange thing, and eventually the focus of this story,
was that I kept on returning to one place and eating what many
would call 'bland' food again. For lunch, brunch, dinner or
supper I could be there. It was the Pick-a-bagel store on 2nd
ave & 77th. Years past, and in the true tradition of changing
scripts, I returned to New York in 1999. I could not forget
the Pick-a-bagel store, the taste had lingered with me across
many continents, and although I was now a couple of miles away
from the store ( a journey in Manhattan but a snowflake in the
Greenland) I had to return to the store to buy my bagels.
The taste was the same, exactly as I had remembered. To
this day Pick-a-bagel remains my favorite eatery in New York. |
POSTSCRIPT (10/27/2000): "I had a meeting
with the New York Post today. They asked me 'What can we do
to coax you for an interview?' Stupidly, without thinking I said
'Bagels & coffee.' Apparently the cheapest interview yet!"
REVIEWER: Caryn Cherlin
RESTAURANT: Michael Jordan's Steakhouse, Grand Central
Station, New York City, NY
WHAT SHE WROTE: "I know
what your most pressing question is and here is the answer --- If
you're looking for him, he's not here. But for some reason,
the 'set designers' and P.R. people thought a real money maker would
be selling actual cattle bones (sans marrow, but you can
order the marrow as an appetizer in the restaurant) signed by famous
people presumed to have eaten there.
Okay, as for the food, the steak is
good. And you can order a Buffalo steak - feel like a real
cowboy right there in Grand Central Station! They get you,
of course, with the sides. When you order steak, that's what you
get. Steak. Vegetables? That'll be $10 extra. But they
only have 1 or 2 actual vegetable choices on the menu --- posing
instead are creamed corn, creamed spinach, possibly some fried onions
and mashed potatoes. Also, don't expect the wait staff to
rush over with water when you sit down --- you have to request it.
However, it ain't that simple. Be prepared for the humiliation of
requesting merely 'plain tap' water when offered Pellegrino,
or some other fashionable bottled choices.
But the truth is, Michael Jordan's
is a fun place to go for a business lunch. It's nice to the
have the chance to relax, have some tasty (if over-indulgent) food
and absorb the atmosphere of Grand Central."
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHAT HE WROTE: Yes, another corporate
shindig brought me to Michael Jordan's Steakhouse with five
other people. I re-read Caryn's review to make sure that I
am not missing anything important.
-
The atmosphere of Grand Central?
Well, someone in the party noted that there was a constant din
of white noise in the background coming from the concourse.
You might be impressed if you have been living in Ponca, Nebraska
all your life. If you have spent six years commuting
on the LIRR like me, you would not be impressed ... in fact,
you would be EXTREMELY ANNOYED!
-
The flies! There are more
flies in this place than a Greek tragedy (ref: J-P Sartre, Les
Mouches).
-
The staff brought over water immediately
without asking. There were several hypotheses: one, we
were dressed like riffraffs and obviously unable to afford Pellegrino;
two, we were dressed like riffraffs and obviously would be consuming
massive amounts of hard liquor; three, Caryn's review had obviously
made an impact on the restaurant management --- oh, yes, we
promised you that we would become a power in this town ...
-
In this party of six, the junior
member was a vegetarian. Obviously, a steakhouse was not
the ideal place for him to be. While we looked at the
menu, we cracked jokes about the various non-meat dishes that
he could have, especially 'macaroni and cheese'. However,
this turned out not to be microwaved Kraft's Macaroni and
Cheese, but in fact it was a branded Michael's Macaroni
and Cheese that tasted like fondue. As good
as that might be, this is still an odd place to come just for
that. But of course, he had much more than that --- hashed
potatos, garlic bread, fried onion rings, creamy spinach, asparagus,
... He could not have the corn, because it came with bacon
strips.
-
The featured dish is the 'porterhouse
steak for two' at $60.95. Four of the people shared two
orders, the fifth is a vegetarian, which leaves me with an order
all for myself, right? Where was Toby Tanser when
I needed him?
-
No, we did not see Michael either.
WHO: Michele Tagliati
WHEN: July 29, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "Before I leave Italy, I was thinking to give
you material for some 'Traveling tips' to enrich our club members
info (we have food critics, why not traveling tips?). In fact, I'd
like to highly recommend a lovely place in Tuscany, called Montalpruno.
I just spent two wonderful weeks there with my family. As we read
on their website (www.Montalpruno.com
): "The Montalpruno Estate with 35 ha of Chianti land
is situated on a hill, above the ancient town walls of Staggia Senese,
half way between Florence and Siena, along the antique consular
road "Cassia", just a few minutes from Monteriggioni.
Here there is a farmhouse dating back to the end of the 19th century
with some confortable apartments and everything you need for a beautiful
holiday in the Tuscan countryside. The apartments sleep from
2 to 8 persons and are carefully furnished in rural Tuscan style.
Vineyards, olive groves and orchards surround the extensive outside
areas. Several art cities are within easy reach: Florence
30 Km, Siena 15 Km, San Gimignano 10 Km, Volterra 30 Km. This
beautiful natural area is perfect for nice walks, taking a swim
in the swimming pool, playing tennis or simply resting in the shade
of an age-old holm-oak."
For our runners community, I'd like to add that
there is a network of country paths and dirt roads covering dozens
of miles through vineyards, sunflowers fields and gentle hills.
While designed for mountain bike and horse back riding excursions,
these roads offer unlimited possibilities for runners who want to
keep their training shape or just reduce the effects of Italian
food on their weight ..."
In the photo gallery for the Lesbian
and Gay Pride Run, June 24, 2000, the following item appeared:
Photo
This is a photo of Kim Mannen's tuna sandwich. After
wolfing it down, she said, "I'm starving. What else
do they here? What can I buy for ten dollars?"
Seeing the astonished looks, she said, "You have no idea
how much I can eat." Now we know ...
This led to this following exchange:
-
Eve Kaplan: "Someone
should have told her that if she had just $2.00 more she could
have bought Bola's famous $12.00 ham sandwiches from EAT."
(note: the reference is to an item in the photo gallery
for the 1999 Fifth Avenue Mile --- photo:
"And if you are Bola Awofeso, you make sure that
you grab a bite first. This ham sandwich was purchased
from E.A.T. for US$12. Eat your heart out!"
That sandwich also appeared as the topic for item #3 in Trivia
Quiz # 9.)
-
Roland Soong: "This
is not a good sign when you can remember all these stories ...
get a life, Eve!"
-
Eve Kaplan: "If I remember
them, it's only because someone keeps documenting every little
detail of the Central Park Track Club goings-on! Maybe
we should both get a life!"
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Cabana Carioca
LOCATION: 123 West 45th Street, between 6th and 7th Avenue,
New York, NY
WHEN: July 5th, 2000
REVIEW: First of all, it took a while to find this place in
Little Brazil because our guide was not completely sure (and this
was not helped by someone mumbling, "We're lost! We're
lost!" the whole time!). When we arrived at the address,
we were faced immediately with a dilemma --- there were in fact
two entrances. The entrance to the ground level had a sign
that reads: "$10.95 deluxe lunch buffet" and right next
to it is another entrance with a sign: "$5.45 budget lunch
buffet on third floor." What to do? Everybody said
"I don't care" but there was no other information other
than the price to make a decision. Well, as you know, the
proper answer to the question: "Which is worse --- ignorance
or apathy?" is "I don't know and I don't care."
Finally, someone took charge of this group of procrastinators and
decreed "Let's try the cheaper one. If it stinks, we'll
do the other one next time." So we climbed up the stairway
to heaven and ended in a small beaten-up place.
The buffet was not bad --- for $5.45
(including tax but excluding tips). There was salad (mostly
lettuce), the entrees were typical Brazilian fare --- rice, beans,
ox tail stew, beef stew, fried fish, grilled pork, grilled chicken
and a helping of vegetables (soggy potatos, cold corn, carrots,
etc) and desserts. One of my companions had two helpings of
flan cake, which led to some terrible jokes about phlegm
and Belgians (do you know the connection? hint: third-place award
went to 'the sprouts' in a Monty Python skit). In any case,
what was the rating? Hard to say, because there is still insufficient
information to determine just how much better the $10.95 buffet
might have been, if at all. So stay tune to the next report
from Little Brazil ...
WHEN: July 11th, 2000
REVIEW: This week, we took a new employee out to lunch.
Of course, this was a great opportunity for us to try the deluxe
buffet on company time and money. So we headed right in and
we found the identical food! Yes, the extra $5.45 saves you
the trouble of climbing that stairway to heaven. So our advice
to you is this --- since you are going to run up and down the Harlem
Hill for strength training anyway, you should definitely do the
budget buffet, get two meals instead of one and do some stair climbing
at the same time! This has been a public service announcement
from your favorite website.
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Evergreen Shanghai Restaurant
LOCATION: 1378 Third Avenue (between 78th Street and 79th
Street), New York, NY
WHEN: June 19th, 2000
REVIEW: The good news was that this was a banquet that I was
invited to, which meant that someone else was paying. The
bad news was that the food was ordered by someone else (my sister!),
so I couldn't do anything except wait to see what torture she was
going to put me through (my sister knows exactly what I hate!).
Since this place is sub-titled 'Shanghai Restaurant', I won't be
seeing the usual Cantonese/Szechuan type of dishes. In fact,
afterwards, I will say that this is barely even 'Shanghai' because
it is more appropriate to call this nouvelle cuisine à la chinoise
or some such.
I obtained a menu afterwards and copied
down the names of some of the dishes. I noted that these people
are snobs, because they provided Chinese characters only for those
dishes that they consider authentically Chinese and the English-language
dishes are listed there to placate Americans who wander in by accident.
Anyway, enough digressions already, so here we go ...
-
Steamed Soup Dumplings with
Crab Meat and Pork --- Be careful about how to eat this.
Properly, this should be placed in a soup spoon. When
you bite into it, the soup will burst out into the spoon.
So if you had been brave (or stupid) enough to show your skills
with chopsticks, you would have soup splashed all over your
pants. How do they make this? In spite of your obvious
guess, they did not inject the soup into the dumpling with a
syringe (ha ha!). Instead, the soup was cooled down into
gel form and placed inside the dumplings. When the dumplings
are steam-heated, the gel melts into hot soup.
-
Crispy Pancake with Radish Slivers
--- This should have been called 'Greasy Pancake' which
is just how it should be.
-
Fried Yellow Fish Strips Wrapped
in Seaweed and Light Batter --- This is definitely not your
father's Fish & Chips platter. It looks like
a small spring roll, except its appearance is light green instead
of crispy golden brown. Once you chew on it, it tastes
just like your father's battered fried fish ...
-
Shredded Beancurd Sheets with
Preserved Cabbage and Green Soy Beans --- At first sight,
I could have sworn that this looked like soft noodles with vegetables.
But in fact they have used shreds from sheets of beancurd to
simulate noodles. That was a lot of trouble to go through
for a visual gimmick.
-
Duck with Black Mushroom &
Bamboo Shoot --- Whereas I tend to think of the Long Island
duck as being one of the greasiest meats around, this dish was
not greasy at all. The tender duck was covered in a thick
dark brown sauce, and the meat virtually melts in the mouth.
-
Shanghai-Style Pan Fried Noodles
--- I thought I had missed out on Grease at our social
outing a couple of weeks ago, but I guess not.
Grease is the word here, like as if there was no tomorrow!
O, yummy yummy, I feel sick in my tummy ... !
Looking at the rest of the menu, here
are some traditional delicacies that my sister did not order ---
-
King Sea Cucumber with Shrimp
Eggs (Don't ever try to make it in your own home --- it
takes days to clean. It will also take a lot of courage
on your part to try this because it looks filthy disgusting
...)
-
Pork Shoulder Simmered in Chef's
Brown Sauce (Don't order this! It takes forever to
cook unless they have found a shortcut. Besides, it's
got pure pork fat, skin included --- no pigskin footballs in
China!)
-
Red-cooked Lion's Head (They're
exaggerating a bit --- it's not a real lion's head, it's just
pork meat balls)
P.S. Of course, my sister has
no idea that I write restaurant reviews here ... I think ...
or I'm going to be in big trouble ...
P.P.S. On Christmas Eve 2000,
my sister told me, "Evergreen Shanghai is out of business.
I hope you are happy!"
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
SUBJECT: Bagels
WHAT HE SAID:
-
"The only reason that I live
in New York City is the bagels."
-
"How many bagels can I take
after a race? ... how many do they have?" COMMENT:
That is pure hyperbole, like Juma Ikaanga's claim that
he trains on 200+ miles a week (plus the fact that his idea
of a long training run is to run at race pace for as long as
he can) as the real answer is shown in this photo.
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Ipanema Restaurant
LOCATION: Little Brazil (New York City), 46th Street between
5th and 6th Avenues, New York
WHEN: Friday, June 9, 2000
REVIEW: Another late night at the office, so it was time for
a quick late-night bite in the neighboodhood before heading
back to the salt mines. When we went in, the waiter warned
us: "It's now 930pm and the restaurant will be closed at 10pm"
and then rapidly rattled off a list of dishes that we cannot order
because they take too much time to prepare. In any case, I
ordered Churrasco Mixto (mixed BBQ meat), and found myself
staring at a plate full of tough, overcooked meat. Impossible
to do on a warm summer night in an un-airconditioned place.
One of my dining companions ordered what he thought was a salad
and was surprised to find that his dish looked exactly like mine
--- with blood-red sausages, BBQ large shrimps, and so on; fortunately,
the lettuce eventually surfaced after some diligent digging.
Beer: Brahma (do Brasil).
One of my dining companions had lived
in Brazil for a few years. According to her, the restaurants
along the original Ipanema beach in Rio de Janeiro are more decrepit
and had lousy services; furthermore, women are often bothered by
'touchy-feely' men while men are approached by women looking for
'quick friendship.'
REVIEWER: Eve Kaplan
RESTAURANT: Bellagio
Hotel
LOCATION: Las Vegas!
WHEN: June 12th, 2000
REVIEW: I just spent the weekend in Las Vegas. I'm not sure what's
more amazing there - the amount of people drinking and gambling
at 6:00 in the morning, the level of air pollution, or the size
of the all-you-can-eat buffet at the hotel (roughly equal to the
size of the Sheep Meadow in Central Park).
Everyone knows Las Vegas is famous for the "All-you-can-eat"
buffets in the casinos. A runner's dream! If you're a gambler who
plays well (or a senior citizen who's been sitting at the nickel
slot machine for long enough) you might be offered a free buffet.
Otherwise, get in line with the rest of the hotel guests and get
ready to eat your way to fame, fortune, and a loosened belt notch.
This is, of course, assuming that the overwhelming stench of cigarette
smoke permeating the casino hasn't completely dulled your appetite
on the way over.
The breakfast buffet at the Bellagio Hotel
($10.00 per person) was beyond belief. Everything from fresh
juices and exotic fruits, to braised lamb, udon noodles with
jellied eel, sushi, 30 different kinds of scones and pastries, seafood,
omelettes to order, 4 kinds of hot cereal, a variety of crepes,
waffles... and of course, Keno games, monitored by long-legged young
women walking through the tables.
The dinner buffet (around $24.00 per person) was
like its own mini-circus. Over-eager (and overweight) Americans
with plates laden with spindly crab legs maneuvered skillfully between
the prime rib table and the dessert section, elbowing one another
like slow runners being upset at getting passed during a race by
faster women. Other entree selections included more fresh
seafood in various states of cooked-ness, baby pork chops, ribs,
lamb, roast beef, (why am I listing all this meat when I am a vegetarian?)
fresh vegetables, 100 types of salads, more exotic fruit, and enough
desserts to fill the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. whew!
I don't know what the buffets are like at other
hotels, but the Bellagio's is worth the trip if you're in Vegas.
Again, the key to not losing your appetite is to hold your nose
when making the unavoidable (and long) trek through the entire casino
to get to the restaurant. Unfortunately, runners who eat too
much at the buffets will need to find a local gym where they can
work off those calories. The air quality in Las Vegas is so
bad that running outdoors is nearly impossible - not to mention
noisier and more cigarette smoke and traffic-laden than any New
York street. If you do run outdoors, however, make sure you
visit the "New York New York" section of the strip, where
you can run over the Brooklyn Bridge and through Battery Park City.
ADDENDUM FROM "Tobino Tanzerelli Pastino":
I thoroughly recommend the Excalibur in Las Vegas. We would
enter at 11 am and eat thru till 3pm, go out and try to run, then
return at 7 pm till they kicked us out at 11pm. Stomach pills
were swallowed as we prepared to 'do it all again' the very next
day. The locals used to laugh at us until we ran the 5 km
race ... Most of my counterparts were French and they loved
the rows upon rows of saturated everything and deep fried ice cream.
The MGM wasn't bad but the only difference was that in the
Excalibur they knew us so well they'd wheel trolleys of
food to our table and gawk at our skinny bodies (the good old days)
... If you are planning a road trip, just let me know!
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Vega House (Chinese Restaurant)
LOCATION: West 44th Street, between 5th and 6th Avenue, New
York
DATE: Lunch on Friday, June 9th, 2000
DISH: Rice cake with shrimps
REVIEW: There are in fact a variety of Chinese noodles ---
the extra thin noodles known as mei fun (famous in the spicy
Singapore mei fun dish), the thin noodles that are served
with wonton soup, the spaghetti-like noodles in the lo
mein dishes, the thick noodles that are rolled by hand (often
mistaken for Japanese udon noodles), the flat fun
noodles that appear in the chow fun dishes and then there
are the rice cakes. Rice cake is a product associated with
Shanghai style cooking, and it is rather starchy and filling.
Since rice cake is not something that can be readily made at home
(and chow fun is hard to make at home too), I would tend
to order this dish whenever I found a restaurant that has the courage
to offer it. I give this restaurant a passing grade on this
dish today, with some ambivalence. That was because the authentic
dish should have been greasy and overcooked, but they have made
it a lot smoother and palatable with a lot of sauce. What
gives?
POST-SCRIPT: As it customary
with Chinese restaurant, a fortune cookie came with the bill.
When I opened mine, I found "Don't speak. Don't say.
Keep everything in silence." Huh? Say what?
This fortune cookie should have gone to anyone else on the club
but me!? (see Famous Saying
#908)
REVIEW OF THIS REVIEW (by my dining
companions): "You actually didn't rip this joint up!?
Unbelievable!" Huh? Say what?
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
BACKGROUND: After promising to share with us his wondrous
culinary experiences, Toby has finally come through with two reviews.
This should help you immensely when you get to Iceland and Sweden
...
RESTAURANT: Italia
WHEN: May 2000
WHERE: Reykjavik Laugarvegi (Center of town)
WHAT: Blue Cheese Lasagne
WHAT HE WROTE: "After the stomach settles and you finally accept
the prices you have to pay, even in this moderate restaurant (Hint:
don't go to Basta Pasta across the road thinking pasta is cheap
in Iceland), the lasagne tasted excellent and not at all fish-like.
(70% of Iceland's economy derives from fish, and this is reflected
upon the tables of Iceland). The cheeses which are made in
Iceland come with a torino tang more authentic than the decorations,
which are imported (albeit from the Far East). Water is the
preferred drink as the cheapest table wine (Mateus Rosé)
costs $32 and tastes like 32 cents worth of sea drainage.
The pizzas aren't too bad either. Other recommended Iceland
dining-out abodes --- try the local supermarket."
RESTAURANT: Kollage
WHEN: May 2000
WHERE: Stureplan Stockholm
WHAT: Buffet
WHAT HE WROTE: "An excellent restaurant
for the runner. Very reasonably priced. Ask for the
drink discount coupon when hanging your jackets in the cloakroom.
Differing 'country' themes give a large choice of food and good
beer. Stockholm has many good restaurants, though few with
American sized portions. This place should satisfy."
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Emporium Brasil Café, 15 West 46th Street,
New York, NY
WHEN: May 24, 2000
REVIEW: Located in the heart of Little Brazil, this cafe is
noisy and crowded during lunchtime, but in a friendly sort of way.
I ordered Sauteed Chicken in Mushroom Sauce with white rice and
potato strips. This style of cooking is not to my taste, as
it is served as one large piece of overcooked chicken breast.
My lunch companion had suggested "rice and beans", which
I should probably have listened to.
WHAT WAS MORE INTERESTING: Who
sits down on the next table but Sidney Brito (see the text
with the last photo or our Lucky Seven
Mile photo album)? He is Brazilian and he works in
this area, which is why he can often be found in the local Brazilian
restaurants in this neighborhood. Whatever else, my two "non-running"
lunch companions were really impressed that this guy on the next
table was spontaneously praising the Central Park Track Club website.
As a piece of CPTC-relevant information, Sidney said that he was
one of eighteen local runners (including Stuart Calderwood
and Toby Tanser) recruited for the Hewlett-Packard television
commercial shoot. It was hard work, as they worked three days
from 6am to 7pm daily. When he looked at the final cut of
the commercial in slow motion, he was the only one to make it in!
P.S. His wife Yvonne Callan-Brito just set a PR of
2:48 at the Porto Alegre marathon in southern Brazil. Could
it be that Brazilian food? REVISION: According to Sidney,
it's really the Brazilian coffee!
Our resident movie critic (Stuart
Calderwood) writes: "In regard to Sidney Brito's
comment about finding via slow-motion replays that he is the only
one of the local runners recruited for the Hewlett-Packard TV commercial
who actually appears in it: Brito's slow-motion must be pretty fast.
My exhaustive, and exhausting, frame-by-frame analysis of the commercial
(supplied by John Scherrer, who captured it unwittingly while
taping an episode of "The Practice") has revealed TWO
views of Toby Tanser (approximately two frames apiece) and
an entire stride taken by Warren Street's Andrei Baranov
(just behind the showcased Brito, who uses his half-second of fame
to challenge John Kagwe for the lead). And then, in the penultimate
shot (during which the Sumo wrestler who has outkicked Kagwe for
the NYC Marathon win is being congratulated and wrapped in tinfoil
by leaping adulators), I myself appear in the upper right corner
of your screen, playing my role to the hilt: that of a world-class
runner obviously displeased with a 2:08:30 or so that has clearly
gotten me no better than eighth or ninth place. I look dejectedly
at the ground, unaware that just behind me are two Warren Streeters:
Dan Simmons, a 1:09 half-marathoner who has apparently PR'ed
by five minutes and then done it again without stopping, and Andrew
Cleary, recent winner of this February's Valentine's Day 5K
at 15:53, who has run almost NINE consecutive 5K's in the 15:00
range only to be beaten easily by the 330-pound "Grandmaster
Fujiyama." But where is the most flamboyant of the Warren Street
members, the outspoken Mike Guastella, who caught up to the
more elite "chase pack" midway through the shoot, volunteering
to fill a place vacated by the only actor cast among the runners
(a man who lasted less than one day of approximately forty 150-yard
runs at five-minute pace)? With the film slowed to the freeze-frames,
he's still--and ironically--invisible."
Biography: Stuart Calderwood is a renowned slow-frame
film analyst. Among his credits was the determination that
Lola was running 80 second quarters in Run Lola Run ...
REVIEWER: Clarice Lispector
BACKGROUND: If you look at the list
of books that have been sold through our Amazon.com
affiliate program, you will have surely noticed the unusually high
proportion of Latin America-themed titles. This reflects that
our core buyers include some avid Latin Americanists. This
particular food review was written by a renowned Brazilian writer.
Clarice is not a restaurant critic, but at one point she wrote crônicas,
which is a literary genre unique to the Brazilian newspapers that
allows writers to address a wide readership on any theme they like.
This particular crônica appealed to us because of the opening
words --- "The food was awful, but ..."
WHAT SHE WROTE:
"The food was awful, but there
was one good thing: it would revive me for some better meal in
the future whenever that might be.
Blanquette de Veau.
We went to the restaurant with the sole intention of eating well.
We were more interested in food than any conversation. When
the maítre recommended Blanquette de Veau, something
told me I should choose something else. I brought up the
same old excuse that I really did not care for anything with a
white sauce. My friend, who is a great gourmand, assured
that a white sauce is not to be despised. So we decided
to compromise and share any risk by ordering one Blanquette
and one Tournedos cooked in a wine sauce.
When the food arrived, I set about
sampling it and after the first few mouthfuls, I felt there was
something wrong.
I asked my friend hesitantly:
Don't you get the impression that something here has been burnt?
There was a slight taste of something charred. I could not
decide what it was because in my hunger I had chewed everything
together. Whereupon my friend tried to reassure me: The
rice has probably been overcooked.
As for the Blanquette.
Certain dishes, when they are too refined, provoked nausea.
Excessive refinement makes one almost feel like being sick.
Besides, there should always be a touch of simplicity in good
cooking.
As for the Tournedos, that
was another mistake. Good meat should give one something
to chew on! And any fillet of beef which cuts like butter
is a clear warning that the waiter has not heeded my instructions.
This was enough to make me lose my
appetite. And nothing could take away the sense of disappointment.
I felt quite frustrated, and in a fuming rage I inwardly vowed
never to eat again. For I am so immature that I cannot bear
to have my pleasures spoiled. 'So much for eating well',
I said bitterly to my friend. 'Be patient', she told me
calmly, 'your appetite will come back'. Her own mother is
such a wise and practical woman that whenever there is illness
in the family, she immediately does two important things: she
adminsters medicine and then goes off to her room to pray.
And then all is well.
But that is another story.
To end the first one, my appetite did come back eventually.
But as for Blanquette de Veau --- never again. And
I am not joking."
REVIEWER: Eric Aldrich
Date: April 12th, 2000
SUBJECT: His favorite Chinese restaurants in New York City
WHAT HE WROTE:
- If you can make it all the way down to Chinatown, the Harmony
Palace Restaurant (98 Mott) is great for dim sum. Grab
a few friends and feast. Food is great, prices are reasonable.
- If you can't make it down to Chinatown, try Wu Liang Ye
(Sichuan Style Food) 36 West 48th Street (Bet. 5 & 6 Ave.)
If you like hot and spicy Chinese it doesn't get much more spicy
(or authentic) than this. My favorites are the Dan Dan
Noodles (the noodles are fresh!) with Minced Pork Vinaigrette
($3.95), the Hand Shredded Chicken with Spicy Vinaigrette (delicious!,
$6.95) and the Braised Whole Fish Szechuan Chili Miso Sauce (pricy
at $19.95, but certainly worth it. The Chili Miso Sauce is a mix
of lightly fermented black beans and a sweet hot sauce. The fish
melts in your mouth... This fish is really, really good. Order
the fish, a veggie dish, white rice and you've got a feast for
two people!) So grab a few friends and head on down. Order
anything that has a pepper next to it on the menu. Plan on sharing,
and if you really like spicy, let the waiters (most charming and
talkative gents) know and so you can get a dish with real zing!
- Lastly, you have to check out the Congee House (1848
2nd Avenue at 96th Street). This place has a funky decor
and reliable Cantonese style food. Try the Calamari & Cashew
Nuts w. Chili Salt, the Double Mushroom with Seasonal Vegetable,
and the Singapore Rice Noodle. The ingredients are fresh, the
service is good, and the decor is way out. Good eating.
OCCASIONAL CRITIC: Roland Soong
Date: April 12th, 2000
SUBJECT: Chinese dim sum restaurants, in general
COMMENT # 1: "Someone made this observation to me: how
come you never see Chinese people in uptown Chinese restaurants?
and how come you never see non-Chinese people in Chinese restaurants
in Chinatown?"
COMMENT # 2: "The subject of the state of dim sum is
worthy of a doctoral dissertation. My first observation is
that I generally cannot find anything distinctive about different
restaurants. Insofar as dim sum is concerned, the
Chinese people are conservative and resistant against experimental
innovations, which is why they tend to stress familiarity.
So the choice among restaurants is more about the ambience, and
the odd part is that Chinese people seemed to prefer loud and crowded
places! My second observation is that the Chinese people make
some strong assumptions about the cultural acceptability of certain
types of food. In traditional dim sum restaurants,
the servers push the food carts all over the restaurant floor while
shouting out the names of the dishes (warm food is covered with
lids). If you are not sure, you can ask them to lift
the lids for a peek. Unless your group has a Chinese person,
the servers will often avoid presenting certain dishes to you, because
they assume that you will be 'grossed out.' Here, I mean delicacies
such as chicken feet, duck gizzards, shark fin, cow stomach lining,
pork belly, pig's blood, quail eggs, whole baby pigeons and so on
(Do you think you can handle a bowl of red warm glutinous pig's
blood?). Instead, if you are non-Chinese, they will offer
you items like pork buns, which a Chinese person would consider
impolite to offer a guest (because it is cheap and filling!).
So if you really want to get into dim sum, go with a Chinese
person who can show you the goods."
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
Date: April 5th, 2000
WHERE: Churascaria Plataforma, 49th Street between 8th Avenue
and 9th Avenue, New York, NY
OCCASION: Company dinner before moving office. Farewell
to the Ogilvy & Mather cafeteria!
REVIEW: This is a Brazilian restaurant for those who believe
in over-indulgence. And it's meat, meat and more meat.
There is no menu as such, and the prix fixe meal is $25 per person
for unlimited helpings of salads, meats and desserts. There
is a big salad bar, but you couldn't have come here for the rabbit
food. It is all about meat, meat and more meat. In front
of you, there is a two-sided round paper mat. If you turn
it over so that the green-colored side is showing, the waiters will
rush over with all types of meat --- flank beef steak, roast beef,
lamb, roast pork, ham, sausage (chorizos), chicken --- that
they will slice off the skewers for you. If you turn the mat
over so that the red-colored side is showing, then you are signaling
your surrender. I felt exceedingly 'heavy' upon leaving.
If there was a cholesterol meter, it would have broken the scale
--- definitely not for the faint-hearted. P.S. Beer:
Brahma (do Brasil).
REVIEWER: Blair Boyer
Date: March 24, 2000
BACKGROUND: On his 41st birthday, his friends Stuart Calderwood
and Stacy Creamer took (not "brought") him to dinner
at his favorite restaurant, Josie's at the corner of Amsterdam
and 74th Street, advertised as an "urban oasis where there
are always crowds of yuppies grazing on organic food" (actually,
this is said to be one of his two favorite restaurants, the other
one being Herban Kitchen downtown).
HIS FAVORITE DESSERT: His favorite dessert --- ice cream sundae,
with two flavors (vanilla and chocolate peanut butter) and two toppings
(banana and soy caramel sauce)
COMPLAINT: On this day, the staff almost forgot to
put candles on his dessert. Although he was saying "I
hope they don't sing happy birthday," they did it anyhow.
BONUS: Most of all, he was surprised by the completely unexpected
'special date' that his friends arranged for him ...
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
DATE: March 15-17, 2000
BACKGROUND: During the third week of March 2000, this website was
not updated as the webmaster was out on business for three days
in Miami. Upon returning, he received all sorts of inquiries
about his suntan. To dispel any illusion that you may have,
he has written a detailed description of his trip.
LOCATION: Fontainebleau Hotel,
Miami Beach
REVIEW: A well-known hotel in Miami. As a colleague
observed, the place needed a face-lift --- correction, the place
needed a face-lift twenty years ago. My hotel room had a nice
view of the ocean
--- that is, if only I could see through the thick layer of salt
caked on the window. The hotel is cavernous and the grand
ballroom rivals the Armory in size. The American Association
of Geriatric Psychology was holding its annual meeting on site,
which I suppose was just the right demographic for me. What
is attractive on the hotel grounds? There was this interesting
billboard about
a water entertainment park. Unfortunately, it won't be ready
until 2001 so I got to stare at the construction
work in progress. Of course, Miami is famous for its
beach --- this is the view
of the deserted beach for the brief five minutes that I got out
of the hotel. Not much chance of getting a sun tan at 7pm.
Would you swim in this morass?
THE MAIN SUBJECT (FOOD)
DAY 1, LUNCH --- Room service. Order of charbroiled
hamburger with french fries. The order was for medium done,
but clearly the kitchen staff has a very different definition.
It was black as the night.
DAY 1, DINNER --- Nemo (First Street and Collins Avenue,
South Beach). Party of sixteen people at dinner. Friendly,
but unusual looking restaurant staff (guys wearing white shorts
and workman boots). Very windy indoors. Wine: Francis
Coppola Merlot, 1998 (yes, from the same guy who made The Godfather
and Apocalypse Now), very mild. Appetizer: Jumbo shrimp:
indifferent. Entrée: Chilean sea bass. Never tried
it before, but felt obligated to try something Latino in the present
company. Surprisingly tender and juicy.
DAY 2, BOXED LUNCH --- Which is the lesser evil among turkey,
ham, tuna or roast beef sandwiches? Just closed my eyes and
dip ...
DAY 2, DINNER --- Charlie's Crab House. Reputedly has
great ocean view, but could not see a thing in the dark. Did
not realize that the special feature of the week was seafood from
the Great Northwest. Ended up with Alaskan crab legs.
Did not have to travel to Miami for it. Could have had the
same at any Red Lobster restaurant anywhere else. Oh, by the
way, the fried calamari appetizer was too greasy.
DAY 3, LUNCH --- Chicken club sandwich by the poolside, Fontainebleau
Hotel. Unspeakably dreadful. Watered down the meal with
two Heinekens to deaden the pain. Music accompaniment provided
by a one-person tropical music electronic band.
DAY 3, DINNER --- Airline food, American Airlines.
Choice of either cheese pizza or grilled chicken. Took the
pizza because it was less likely to be harmful. Turned out
to be drowning in olive oil and entirely crust free. Was informed
later by my travel companions that I made the better choice, since
the chicken they had was icy cold. Win some, lose some.
REVIEWER: Sylvie Kimché
DATE: February 26, 2000
WHERE: The Parlor (corner of West 86th Street and Broadway), New
York, NY
WHAT SHE SAID: "When I saw Frank Handelman order the
potato leek soup, I thought that was exactly what I wanted.
I liked it. It was not something that I expect an Irish pub
to serve."
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Red wine on the side. Après tout, elle
est française.
REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
DATE: February 23, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "I shall review every NY restaurant for you,
and then some ... So far I can say --- Good, doog, bad, dab and
all the Starbucks 'Sufficient.' A great word that. In
Sweden, they boast of Lagom,
a word that means sufficient, being unique to their language translating
as 'Just Right.'"
COMMENT: But, Toby, so where should we go eat? Can you be
a bit more specific?
REVIEWER: Roland Soong
ESTABLISHMENT: The Ogilvy & Mather cafeteria, 309 West
49th Street, 4th floor (Note: This is a corporate facility, so you
cannot just walk in and sample the haute cuisine. I
know that Mary Ellen Howe works there, so she must know this
place well.)
DATE: February 7th, 2000
REVIEW: I have had to use this place for lunch three days a week,
for the past 5 months. The food here is deadly. Once
upon a time, I attended a boarding school in Australia and I thought
the food there was bad (old horse meat pies, rabbit stew, fried
fish & chips, etc). But no worse there is none compared
to this. There are some obvious patterns here in terms of
the chain of custody for the food --- for example, on Monday they
serve stir-fried chicken with vegetables cooked on order, on Tuesday
they serve cold sliced chicken from the food bar, on Wednesday they
offer chicken pot pie, on Thursday they serve chicken vegetable
soup ... yes, I can see where the chickens are heading. Another
tip: do not assay the cold oriental noodles --- just the other day,
a colleague came into my office and said, "You've got to get
a sniff of this foul chemical smell before I throw this out.
Now I'm gonna be hungry again." Also, the prices are
unusually marked --- all transactions seem to result in me getting
four pennies among my change. The sodas (Pepsi only, no Coke
--- somebody must have been paid off!) are always warm since the
refrigerator has no discernible effect. As for coffee, I recommend
the Starbucks around the corner. The Olympics is not until
this summer, but I already feel like I'm back in Sydney again.
THE "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT"
MESSAGES ---
(1) "That was never the point! You go to the cafeteria
to check out the BABES!"
(2) "It's all about soaking in the corporate culture!"
(3) "It is a CAFETERIA! What do you expect?"
(4) "... and I used to think that you are so thin because of
the running."
(5) "The parent company of O&M is the WPP Group, based
in the U.K. Maybe you ought to invite Alan Ruben to
drop by for lunch some time. He'll understand ..."
(6) "You're lucky that you're there only three days a week.
You would be hooked up to life-support on a 5-day-a-week program."
(7) "Who do you think you are to write like this? Amanda
Hesser?"
(8) "If you are no fool, you could go to Ruby Foo's
Dim Sum & Sushi Restaurant a block away." Answer:
"If you are a fool, you would go to Ruby Foo's Dim Sum
& Sushi Restaurant a block away. I mean, Dim Sum &
Sushi?"
(9) "Forks! Oh, forks! You forgot to tell people
about the forks! Every morning, they would load the utensil
area with an equal number of plastic forks, knives, tea spoons and
soup spoons. Of course, by 1pm, all the forks have disappeared
but there are many teaspoons left. So you must advise everyone
--- If you see forks, grab a bunch and stash them in your office.
It is impossible to eat spaghetti with a teaspoon! Remember
these words!"
(10) Devon Sargent works on the other side of the same building
and has her own corporate cafeteria, so she offers these compassionate
words: "The food on my side is so good that I get tired of
it. Sometimes, my husband John would come down on weekends
to work out in the gym and have lunch at our cafeteria afterwards."
(11) "About those pennies ... have you considered the
possibility that the Chilean Copper Mineworkers Union may be a client
of Ogilvy & Mather?"
(12) "Have you ever noticed that the plastic containers cannot
fit into the paper bags that they provide?"
(13) "As a mathematician, you are undoubtedly familiar with
the minimax principle --- the minimization of the maximum risk associated
with a set of actions. Therefore, of all the sections in the
cafeteria, I recommend the sandwich wraps --- it is the most difficult
to mess up."
(14) Roland Soong was overwhelmed by the reactions, many
of which came from insiders. He felt that he needed to make
one point very clear: "Please note that I never said that I
would not keep going back for more. After all, my idol is
Scott Willett, whose 1998
Year-End Thank You Speech will always be dear to my heart.
See you at the cafeteria!"
(15) "I've been out of the country for the last three weeks.
I cannot wait to go to the cafeteria on Monday!!!! I hope they have
the cold Oriental bar (aka Clorox bleach and last week's noodles)!!!!"
(16) "Oh, in order to get to the cafeteria, you have to take
the elevator from the 14th floor down to the 4th floor. There
is a dumb science behind this. You see, have you noticed how
many times the elevator opens with the 'up' light and then it ostensibly
goes to the fifteenth (and final) floor before it comes back down
again? Sometimes, you have four of those elevators going 'up'
without any one of them coming down. What do you think is
going on? Could there be secret floors up there that we don't
know about? So my advice is for you to take any elevator that
comes along, because this is the fastest way to get down to the
cafeteria."
"Alan Ruben was 64th male
in the 1999 New York City Marathon, won the 50K in March and did
a PR 26:09 in the Club Team Championships in August. Ruben
is particularly fond of Flor de Mayo (101st and Broadway),
favoring the Peruvian chicken with yellow rice and black beans.
Sometimes, Ruben grabs this after the Tuesday night Central Park
Track Club workouts. Hunan Park II (96th and Columbus)
has several reliable dishes, including shrimp with walnuts, Hunan
lamb and the chicken with four flavours (he's British). Typically,
Ruben will eat almost anything, but not the night before a race,
when he restricts himself to pasta and veggies only. The
Metro Diner (100th and Broadway) has exceptional angel hair
primavera with olive oil and herbs. But perhaps the place
closest to his heart is Josie's (300 Amsterdam and 74th).
Not only does Josie's showcase free-range, organic food
but the reception of his wedding to Gordon Bakoulis was held
there."
Published in the Jan/Feb 2000 issue
of New York Running
For the Montauk Century, Ross Galitsky
urged strongly : "This may be cryptic but I just have to say
it: Do not pay $12.50 for a greasy chicken leg described as 'after-ride
healthy all-you-can-eat meal'" (Fri, 17 Apr 1998 18:36:01 -0500
From: Ross_Galitsky@em.fcnbd.com Subject: Re: Montauk Century)
Thomas Pennell replied:
"I disagree with Ross on the rubber chicken at Montauk. The
chicken is good. Of course, anything may be good after 130 miles
of biking. Make sure you get as much ice cream as you can before
it melts, as well." (Date: Thu, 23 Apr 1998 15:30:09 -0500
From: tpennell@POP.interport.net (Thomas B. Pennell) Subject: Re:
Montauk Century)
Published on the NYU Triathletes' e-mail
archive
|